Wednesday, November 30, 2011

To Add to My Lame-ness

Did I mention that today I'm reading Midnight Sun, her unpublished illegally leaked version of Twilight told from Edward's prospective?

Legit. I fail. But yet I can't stop.

Someone admit me to a center =P

I'm Definitely a Closet TwiHard x_x

Of course then comes the question am I really a Closet TwiHard if I'm blogging about it?

Anyway, let me paint you a picture of how this all started:

I never was into the whole vampire thing. I'd watch a couple of episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the summer or on days where we had 2 hour delays, but that was it. I never got into the vampire movies or books or anything. So, when Twilight came out, I first heard about it my sophomore year of high school, Spring 2008. Two of my good friends had stumbled upon the series and said that it was really well written and definitely a good read. Even though they both encouraged me to try the series out, my stereotypes for vampires kept me from trying.

For the next four years, I felt that I had done myself the biggest favor. The next thing I knew, it was becoming this huge craze that everyone was involved with. It was like the next Harry Potter--Barnes and Noble was having midnight parties for book releases, movies were being made, Hot Topic completely took apparel to the next level, and EVERYONE had to be part of it. I remember several friends, guys and girls alike, saying they thought it was a great series! By this point I was avoiding it on principle alone--I didn't want to be part of the craze.

After the first movies were made and "teams" were established, I still found that I had absolutely no idea what any of it was all about. Summer 2010 I started working at a movie theater, and I had to work the midnight showing of the third movie, Eclipse. I was still completely out of the loop from the hype. People were bashing the actors and the characters and parodies were made in both print and movies. It wasn't until then when my interests started to peak.

My sister went to see "Vampires Suck", a parody made by the same people who made the "Scary Movie" parodies. She said it was the funniest thing she had ever seen, and insisted that I see it, even though I hadn't read any of the books or seen any of the movies. So I did, and I admit that I found it extremely hilarious because it exaggerated stereotypes and poked fun at plot holes that many critiques mentioned.

Well Fall 2010 comes around, I'm studying for finals, and I'm about to go crazy with the silence in my room as well as the French Old Civilization notes scattered all over my bed in front of me. I decided I needed to have some background noise to keep me sane--

[sidebar: I'm very particular when it comes to being able to have other noises around me when I'm concentrating on reading or studying. It has to be something I don't recognize that way I don't loose my place by following or singing along. Random instrumentals usually work best, but I could have internet radio on shuffle with random songs and I'd be fine too.]

--and for whatever reason I decided that I wanted to put the first Twilight movie on. Now still, I had not read any of the books or seen any other movie besides "Vampires Suck", so I figured it was safe enough to help me in my need for white noise.

It proved an amazing feat. Not only was I studying efficiently finally not stressing over my materials, but I was following along with the storyline, too. Not only that, but I was ENJOYING it! I felt so drawn to what was being portrayed in that movie: A passion that all romantics long to feel just once in their lives, where you are drawn to one thing and one thing only. Now don't get me wrong, there were some corny/cheesy lines and effects that had me rolling my eyes, but the general reflection on that movie (still to this day) is pure genius.

A couple of days later I tried watching the second movie and found myself disappointed that I was not as mesmerized with it as I had been with the first. "Vampires Suck" was a parody of both the first and second books, so I had a vague idea of what was going on, but I decided I really needed to read the books in order to understand everything. Luckily, my sister had the first two books, so after finals I went home and started reading.

Once more, I fell in love with the first book almost exactly as I had with the first movie. And also once more, I found myself not enjoying the second book as much...

And that's when I realized not only what the teams were, but that I was on Team Edward.

Throughout that three week break, I purchased the last two books and finished them as well. I watched the third movie (the only other one that was out at the time) and patiently waited the movie series to finish. THEN I tried watching "Vampires Suck" again and reading a parody, and I actually felt offended by them! I can say that I never have and never will have any desire to go to a midnight showing of a Twilight movie, but I cannot proudly say that I will want to see it within a week of it being released; which is what I did for the first movie part of the fourth book.

And I loved every minute of it.

And I cannot wait for the last one to come out.


I don't think I'd be this attached if I had started with the books; I feel the movies truly made the experience for me. The movies got me to see a picture that wasn't making me think of Dracula or a cartoonized Halloween costume.The movies helped paint the picture of the "reality" of vampires and werewolves being able to live among humans. I know the actors get a lot of snuff for these movies, but I don't necessarily think it's deserved. I feel all attempts at creating a supernatural show ingenuity and creativity. Yes, they could have done a better job with Edward's "fast running" not looking like he's on wires. But it's a first movie--a first picture. I mean, how many times do you have to show moving staircases in the first Harry Potter movie? We get it, it's magic. I feel the same about Twilight--these are things that we have never seen and will never be able to experience. As far as creating this world...I would give them an A+.

I'm a TwiHard...and I can't wait for the next and last movie to come out.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Before Anyone Asks...

I do have my reasons for not wanting to go to France besides not wanting to teach French. They may not be the most legitimate of reasons, but they have enough emotion behind them to create this roadblock to make me want to find other ways to finish this major without going to France.

At the start of the semester, my mother asked "How many 21 year olds can say they've been to Europe...TWICE?!?" Well that is true, I would be part of the minority that had studied abroad not once, but twice before graduating college. An opportunity of a lifetime that I got TWICE in my lifetime...why would I pass that up?

Well, along with not feeling the language anymore, I'm not feeling my language education classes anymore, either. I remember when I was a freshman in college and had a French class and an education class that I both loved. They completed rooted my want to be where I was. But now, there are no more French classes I can take here and my foreign language education class leaves me feeling more and more out of place every week. I'm always the first to leave the classroom. I'm the only French Ed student there. I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but I honestly feel like a loner in that class. I feel like I don't have anyone to relate to when it comes to group work planning activities for our future classrooms. I don't feel like I can relate to any of it anymore.

This feeling translates to my fear of studying abroad for a semester. I feel like I'll be the loner again. I feel like the students I go on the trip with will have a much more sophisticated vocabulary than me and--

...gosh I'm actually tearing up right now. I'm at work, it's 5:00 am, and I'm on the verge of tears because I'm afraid I won't fit in France and be stranded there for a semester.

Anyway, I feel like this year without the language will just put me extremely behind. If I go to France I'd have to take a placement test and I don't feel like I'll do that well and won't be able to take the classes I need to because I can't get a high enough score BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

I'm just so absolutely pissed at Ball State. I don't care how pathetic it sounds I feel like they FAILED me. I feel like it's 100% INEXCUSABLE for them to have majors that require classes and then not offer those classes. Electives, I can understand. BUT MAJOR REQUIRED CLASSES NEED TO BE OFFERED. I don't care if I'm one of three students, I don't care if this class is conducted in a professors office during an office hour, it still has to be offered. There's just no excuse for it.

I tested into the 300 level my freshman year of college. Their catalogs say that there are 15 300 and 400-level courses that this school offers. I have only taken 6. Yet, somehow in some mysterious way, the other 9 COURSES ARE NOT OFFERED IN THE NEXT THREE SEMESTERS. My major requires me to take 10 300/400-level courses, 6 specific and 4 electives in the 300/400-level. Of the 6 that I've taken, only 4 are specific and 2 are electives. That means that there are two specific courses required for my major that are not offered in the next three semesters. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???

So because I tested high my freshman year, I can't take French classes my junior year and thus can't do well on a placement test to study abroad. Why am I being punished for doing well my freshman year?

No one was willing to help, either. I asked if I could TA or audit for a lower-level class that way at least I'm still around the language (because remember, I don't have anyone in my education classes to help me)--I asked all of the French professors that knew me, and you know the response I got? I wasn't ALLOWED. Because TAing is for GRADUATE STUDENTS ONLY. I wasn't asking to take away someone's graduate-ship. I wasn't trying to make it look like I was at a graduate level. I just wanted to be surrounded by the language so I wouldn't lose it, AND THEY SAID NO.

This is why I'm boycotting studying abroad. It's the principle of the matter: I shouldn't be forced into it. It is the job of the university to sell the product of success. How can I succeed if I haven't been giving the opportunity to? If I were a pre-med student taking a year off from all studies medical/science related and expecting to take the MCAT after that year, NO ONE would expect me to pass and go on. WHY DO THEY EXPECT ME TO PASS AND GO ON AFTER A YEAR OF NO FRENCH? They're setting me up to fail, and I refuse to let them.






My apologies for the rant, my disdain for this university led me to get off topic a bit. There is another big reason for me not wanting to study abroad for a semester. My advisor and professor say the best time to study abroad is when you're young and single. Well...I'm not. Single, that is. Although it may be small of me, Zack has a big impact on me not wanting to go to France.

I know it sounds crazy to choose a guy over going to Europe. You know, if he's really you're true love then he'll be there when you get back and stuff like that. But that's just it: I know that Zack would be there waiting for me when I came back--I have absolute faith with no doubts about that. I just don't want to leave him. Just like I don't want to leave my family or close friends, he has become a very big part of my life. This isn't just some guy I dated in college...I'm seriously believing that this is *the* guy. When I'm homesick, I don't just miss my home and my family, I miss him. He has encouraged me to follow my heart and dreams, and has told me that I should go to France.

But I can't bring myself to want to go. And with all the fuss of my major, I can't help but wonder if it's all a sign that maybe going to Europe is just a once in a lifetime thing for me.

Now, don't say I'm giving up my dreams for a guy and I'll regret it later down the road, because let's remember who we're talking about. I had a dream to go to France--and I did it. I've already been. And yes, even though there are new experiences and things I haven't seen, it's not on my wish list to absolutely have to do again. It just isn't. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to spend my day being a good wife and mother. When I teach, I want to teach the English language, because it's something I enjoy that I DON'T have traumatic memories of learning. I never cried because of an English class, and I have wasted WAAAAYYYY too many tears on these French classes.

So there, my mind has been made and my story has been told. I've sent e-mails to both the Education Department and the French Department to Indiana University Bloomington in hopes to graduate from a university who will provide me with the tools to succeed instead of forcing me to go elsewhere for those tools. Ball State, you did this to yourself. And French, I dare you to try and prove me wrong.

I'm done.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Sometimes I don't Appreciate the Choices in My Life

If you know me, you know that I can't save money to save my life. I mean, if I had to save money in order to live, I'd live a short life. I'm totally a shopaholic who wants to spend her money whenever it comes into her possession, and it's been driving me crazy all year.

You see, I'm on this path here at Ball State University. This path is a four year college education in order to become a secondary French teacher with a license to teach ESL k-12. And on this journey, my final year is supposed to consist of me being in France for a semester to give my language that extra flourish, and then student teaching with my new ornamented language.

Well you see, there have been some snafus in this plan. The first being that I tested into the 300 level of French. Now, I know what you're thinking, this shouldn't be a problem! Except for the fact that this school does not have a very big French program, so they only offer certain classes every couple of years. I am short two required classes and two elective classes from getting my French degree, and only one elective class is being offered that I can take in the next three semesters.

Well that's where France comes in. I can take both the required classes and the elective classes in France, finish my degree, and become great at the language right before student teaching. AWESOME!

Except that's where the second and third snafu come into play. The second being that I can't really afford to go to France for a semester because I absolutely fail at saving money. I'm supposed to be able to afford a plane ticket and whatever my personal expenses entail and thinking that I'll be gone for 16 weeks and looking at how much money I've *spent* in the past 16 weeks...let's just say I definitely do not have enough money in my account.

The third snafu is that through this journey I have been getting to know myself better and all of the sudden my want to be a French teacher seems like a joke. I wanted to be a French teacher because I hated one of my French teachers and wanted to prove to her that even though she said I would fail at French that I succeeded. Good News! I succeeded in French! My GPA major is above a 3.5! Bad News...now I want to be done with it. Before my senior year of high school I had wanted to be an English teacher for a good 5 years. Then in the course of a summer I changed my mind to French. Now, looking at where my true passions lie...it's not with French.

So I had this breakthrough a month or two back, talked to a couple of my professors, and decided that I was smart enough to "cheat" the system. Basically, I'd graduate with the French Education degree but get certified to teach English language arts, which is what I really feel I want to do. That way I still graduate in four years, get a couple of degrees and teaching licenses, and become marketable enough to survive in this job market.

Which brings us to the title of this blog: Sometimes I don't appreciate the choices in my life. If we circle back to some background information previously stated, the only way I can get a French degree is go to France, but because I don't want to teach French I don't want to go to France, not to mention I can't afford it. But I can't get this degree without going to France. So, the choices are as followed:

1) Suck it up, go to France, find a way to make it work, and stay on track.
2) Don't go to France, change my major to English Education, take classes I don't see the point in, and graduate with the degree I want.
3) Don't graduate from Ball State University.

I have considered at least once a year transferring to Indiana University: Bloomington. Now only are my two best friends there, but their teacher's program is comparable in reputation to Ball State's. My main reason for the transfer would be to finish the degree track I'm currently on without having to go to France. IUB offers enough variety of classes that I should be able to take those on campus and then still student teach Spring 2013.

But then not only am I cheating the system in getting the degree I want, I'm cheating the schools by only taking courses I want and when I can't anymore, leaving.

I just wish it was as simple as it was three years ago when there was only one path and it was the one everyone was ok with, especially me.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Well, Since You Want Me to Post About You...

So, I published my blog on Facebook, because I wanted to say that on Facebook I wasn't taking sides, but I take sides on my blog.

Because I published it, someone decided to click on the link and read what I had to say.

THEN, because she thought that I had written about her...she decided to post this status:

"that moment when you realize someone still holds a grudge against you from middle school...and then move on with a laugh and start doing your notes for a lecture"

Reason why I know it was about me: She blocked me from seeing it.

Unfortunately for her, she was mistaken--I didn't write about her. But obviously since she felt so compelled to make sure people thought she was so high and mighty in my life, I decided to grant her wish and write about her.

Except...I really don't have anything to say about her. I've lost all contact to her for the past two years that I really can't say anything. I guess this will suffice, right?

I mean...she's the one who read *so much* into what I wrote thinking that it was about her...and then she was the one who posted something making sure that I couldn't see it...wouldn't that mean that she's the one holding the grudge and putting way too much effort into this? Just a thought...

Joke's on you, sweetie.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Location wise, my family is incredibly separated! However! Thanks to social networking, they still manage to fight as if they all lived under the same roof...





Annnnnddd again...





As you might recall, I had a very heated blog post about this VERY FACEBOOK RE-POST message. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to deal with this in my family, where they should be the ones who understand the whole autism thing.

Once more, if you feel strongly about the issue, I'm not going to say you don't have the right to post what you want. You do. However, there are a THOUSAND different ways you could go about it to make this post BETTER

-You could take away the part where it says it's "Special Education week & Autism & ADHD Awareness month". If you truly believe that every month should be autistic awareness month, then why are you posting something that says only one specific week/month is? Kind of hypocritical, right?

-You could take away the part that tells others to re-post. If this is your feeling, feel free to say it. But don't tell others to feel the same way.

-Take out the part about the "children". Autism doesn't go away when you get older, my brother is 22 and still very much autistic. Autism awareness should be about all autistic people, not just "children".

-Realize that you posting this doesn't do anything. You're spreading the word of something the vast majority of people already know exists. You're not attaching a donation to it, you're not letting a news cast know about it, you're not being active in your "request" to "honor" those "special" kids. You're really just inflating your ego thinking that you'll reach thousands of people by posting something as your status. How many people do you really think you reach?

My list could go on and on, but the bottom line is that people will do what they want, despite what fuss anyone makes, no matter how strong the tie to anyone.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Hair Cuts

If you promise that you really do love me, don't you think I'd be someone that you could go get your haircut with?

Just a thought.

I Think it is The Secrer Life of the American Teenager...

When I was in high school...

-I knew the pregnant girl
-I knew the devout Christian girl
-I knew the gossipy best friends
-I knew the slut
-I knew the couple who broke up and got back together a million times
-I knew the girl who took her "friend's" boyfriend
-I knew the engaged couple
-I knew the couple who had been together forever
-I knew the football/cheerleader couple
-I knew the rumors of parent relationships around the school
-We had multiple guidance counselors
-We had teachers that knew too much about our lives
-We had a huge band program
-We had fights both in and outside of school
-We had too much drama

I remember when the ABC Family show The Secret Life of the American Teenager came out, a lot of people made a fuss because they thought it was a horrible representation of the "American Teenager" with the main character being a pregnant 15 year old girl in a broken family where a nephew was older than his uncle.

I'm sorry, but has anyone seen the Maury Show?

My point is, my list above is the main setting that the show gives that I can relate to. No, I was not the pregnant 15 year old, but one existed in my school. All of the characters cast in the show I can place in my high school. It may not have been MY secret life they were portraying, but the secret life of an American teenager...is validly represented in this show.

It's not the show that makes America look bad. It's America that makes America look bad.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

My Thoughts and Feelings Exactly

Sheldon Cooper's definition of "living together"-

a couple is deemed "living together" if:
A) one has stayed over for 10 consecutive nights,
B) one has stayed over more than 9 nights in a three week period, or
C) one has stayed over all the weekends in a given month plus three weeknights

Let's Be Blunt about YOU

So here's my deal:

I was once friends with a girl. She and I had a lot in common, so we got to know each other and sure enough became friends. Really good friends, actually. The type of friends who spend basically 85% of waking free time together, the type of friends who stay up late on numerous nights just talking, getting to know each others secrets, fears, loves, and delights. We went to each others houses, we got close to the family, and everything was how it should be in a wonderful friendship.

But then there's this guy...

and all of a sudden our relationship starts changing. Which is natural, I'm not discrediting that, but then you start to be a little less likable to be around. Then, you stop being around all together, and it makes me reflect on this friendship we had established. THEN you have the audacity to say that I'm jealous of your boyfriend. In some world where YOU change the habits and relationship, I become the bad guy. BRILLIANT LOGIC!

But WAIT! This is entirely subjective! Obviously I've had to have done something to cause all this, it can't be one sided!

Well, no, it's not just one sided. I've heard the other side, the descriptions and the reasons...and yet it some how ends back up to you saying "I haven't changed" and "You brought this on". If you ask me that doesn't sound like much of a supporting argument.

ESPECIALLY when your other "friends" feel EXACTLY the same way that I do. I mean, it *could* be a conspiracy against you...

...but probably not.

Now...I'm writing this to you. Because I want YOU to take a look this. I want YOU to realize how much this sounds like YOU.

Except for this is about a friend from middle school, and I didn't meet you until much later. Although I shouldn't say friend, because I don't talk to her anymore and quite frankly find her to be a bitch.

But now let's talk about you: Let me tell you specifically (again) why I am comparing you to this girl that I cannot stand.

-I hate your boyfriend: Frankly I don't understand why you're with him. Do you honestly think so little of yourself that even though he cheated on you (while you were having sex with him, and HE didn't even have the decency to tell you) you can't survive without him? I mean, do you READ what you WROTE when you found out? You wanted to freaking CUT YOUR WRISTS because you were so PISSED and HEARTBROKEN...but he's apparently worth that pain? FUCK NO.

-I hate how much you lie: You've lied to me, you've lied to other best friends, and you're lying to yourself. Although this is my favorite trait of yours, because I know when you lie, and when I catch you in it, it all of a sudden turns into me manipulating you...instead of you lying to me. A little defensive, are we? Well I have a solution for you: STOP LYING! Take responsibility for your actions and if you don't want to then DON'T DO THEM! Don't say that your Fuck Buddy stopped drinking for you when in reality you just accepted it and started drinking with him. Don't say that you're going to hang out with us if you can't even keep a pre-arranged once-a-week dinner. Don't say that you can't be with someone who broke your heart for cheating on you when YOU'RE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW.

-I hate how you're treating your supposed best friends: saying that "we'll always be here for you" is the STUPIDEST excuse I have ever heard to blow off friends, ignore them, and completely disrespect them. You saying that it's "stressing you out" because you feel it necessary to "include them in your life" really makes me want to punch you. What in the world have I done to you to make you want to treat me like such shit? I didn't realize that I had to bend over backwards in order to be friends with you. I didn't realize that not only have to answer all your questions but also resolve all issues apologize for everything. GET OFF YOUR PEDESTAL. I don't care if you have 1000 other friends, don't treat me like shit because I sure as hell don't deserve that. Because when you do, this is what you get in return: a bombshell of everything that I've been holding back.

-I hate how disrespectful you've become: For someone who inspired me to quit swearing as a New Years Resolution, you sure have become quite the potty mouth. I'm not saying swearing is wrong, I have a tendency to use it myself from time to time, but there is a TIME and PLACE for EVERYTHING. I cannot believe that not only do you openly swear in front of a supposed best friend who you know HATES hearing those words, but you went into a friend's parent's house as a GUEST and openly swore! And if that's not enough, you decide that you're going to drink in front of friends who openly dislike drinking, and then get mad at them when they say something. You don't own the place and the world does not revolve around you--GET OVER YOURSELF!

-I hate how righteous you make yourself: NEWSFLASH! You are NOT entitled to ANYTHING! You need to get a grip on reality and learn that life does not happen at your leisure. You cannot walk into an interview in sweats and expect to get the job. You cannot take a job as a notetaker and claim hours for pay when you're not taking notes. You cannot quit at everything that you don't like, and you can't expect to take the easy road and get everything you want. I know your parents raised you better, what happened to her?



Gosh the list could go on and on, and I'm sure at some point I'll have it do just that. However, I'm at the point where I don't think I can type anything else without just getting incredibly too PISSED at this entire thing, so let me just cut to the chase:

Be who you want, do what you want, convince yourself of whatever you need to in order to sleep at night. I DON'T CARE. I haven't told you that I'm on the waiting list for a single, but I am. SURPRISE! I'm moving out and if I don't see or hear from you in a while, I will be completely fine with that. I've seen this before, and I've dealt with it before; I'm not going to deal with it from you.

So thanks, but no thank; I politely decline your invitation to be your friend. I'm sure you have countless other qualified applicants who would jump for joy at the opportunity. And they probably "accept you for who you are" since apparently I won't. Now don't get me wrong, I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes and you could probably create a list just as I have. Don't think that I think by my doing this I think I'm better than you because that's not the case. I've just decided to take matters into my own hands and not surround myself with people I don't like being around. And then tell you how I feel because I want this last bit of closure before I seal the opening. The blog is called "Let's Be Blunt" for a reason...

Life is about choices. You've made yours, and I've made mine. Have a nice life.