Personally, I consider myself a control freak. With that being said, I would not consider myself a manipulator or puppeteer of sorts. Granted, there are times where I want to do that, and there are instances where I feel that I could and it wouldn't be detected, however it isn't where I feel the need to control.
Personally, I feel the need to control being right. My schooling has led me to believe that there are several instances where I am right. I understand and conceptualize most everything I learn. I retain information incredibly well. I give and follow directions, I've never truly been in trouble before in my life. My actions have led to awards. I've succeeded; I've won. So why doesn't everyone else see it that way???
This is something that I feel I get from my mother. She very much enjoys taking control of the situation and putting matters in her own hands. Not to mention that she has passed down her philosophy of life to me: "Everything's a choice".
When I was in high school, I openly admit to being a manipulator. I had a "friend" who I could not stand because I saw her as a "fowl loathsome evil little cockroach" and found complete pleasure seeing her struggle and fail. I had a boyfriend who let me walk all over him, yell at him, and completely get away with it. I was convinced that these were "friendships" and "love" because I got away with it and was able to convince myself that I was still ultimately right. Now there's absolutely no way I can regain that friendship and that boyfriend refused to talk to me for about a year. Last I checked that's not normal...or right.
Last year I started being called out on it. My roommate who I love dearly told me I was manipulating her and she didn't appreciate it. Another boyfriend would yell at me for it. All of a sudden I was surrounded by people who *didn't* let me walk all over them. I had to start defending my choices because others actually had opinions and choices of their own that I wouldn't agree with. I had to accept the fact that I wasn't the only one who was right. There are several shades of gray, and each is considered gray.
This past year has helped show me that I'm not always right. It's shown that others can be right while I'm right as well as others can be right while I'm wrong. It's been a tough journey, especially because I can admit that I'm a control freak but I can't necessarily change my actions based on that admission. And I don't know if you've ever been consciously aware of a flaw yet unable to fix it like I have, but it sucks.
It definitely sucks.
