BEHOLD THE TRUTH!!!

In convenient picture form :)

Stream of Consciousness 3

If I had to choose one subject to teach, I'm pretty sure it would always be French. I love teaching ENL and I love that I get to teach both, because those learning English actually WANT to learn and it's a treat to see them discover the language. However, my own passion is with French. I was explaining how the word "qu'est-ce que" came to be and going through it all...I knew no matter who understood that's what I enjoyed.

I like to read stories over again because I love getting to feel consumed by it time and time again. It's very easy for me to get sucked in and read as though I'm participating in a movie. Typically I enjoy a story because I enjoy the ending (there's a reason why I've read Divergent multiple times but not the final part of the trilogy). To me, it's not about knowing how it ends, it's about the journey TO the happily ever after.

Sometimes I wish teachers weren't so good at hiding their facebook. I'm sure others probably feel the same about me, but how am I supposed to be friends with these people if I can't cyber stalk them? (sarcasm)

I go back and forth between saying I'm allergic vs I'm sensitive to caffeine. The way I truly believe it works: You know how you get a headache if you stare at the computer for too long, or how you get a stomach ache for eating too much of something you like? That's how caffeine is for me, only it happens much more quickly than it does most people.

I don't think I'm passive aggressive. Passive aggressive--to me--sounds like, very literally, that you are taking out your aggression passively. Back handed compliments, hedging around the issue, etc. What I do is just completely shut down. I will go silent and remain silent until I know I won't say anything that shouldn't be said.

I think my ideal soulmate wouldn't be passive in his own life. I think he'd have strength...just more than likely in areas where I don't. I know I want to be the best at what I do, but I think I want to be with someone who is the best at what he does too.

I legitimately have no desire to leave Indiana, preferably even Indianapolis. I think this surprises most people, including my family. I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid to try something new or I'm afraid to be alone, but I have absolutely no issues raising a family here.

I don't think I'm as extraverted as people make me out to be. I think I'm probably 65% extravert, 35% introvert. I think I'm surrounded by people who are more mostly introverted so I seem more extraverted, even though I still have quite a few introverted tendencies.

I think I have sympathies towards claustrophobia. While small spaces themselves don't bother me, I get anxious when I feel like I don't have room. Considering this just happened in my 1000 sq ft apartment, I think they're related but not an exact definition.

I do not for a second regret being a teacher's pet in high school, and to certain professors in college. The fact that at a drop of a hat I can get multiple letters of recommendation for any type of position I want is a blessing.

I have no idea what I'm going to do when I have free time over the summer. I say free time even though I'll still be working 40 hours a week. Considering it's a drop from 65-75 hours a week, it's going to feel like copious amounts of free time.

On that note, I don't even want to start thinking about what it will feel like when I have NO job over the summer/breaks. Maybe my yen for traveling will come back.

One more Comment about Feminism

Last comment, for now.

Shailene Woodley is getting a lot of crap for her interview with TIME and her views on feminism. I just want to say a couple things:

Her main argument  is that she's not for feminism because "raise women to power, take the men away from the power is never going to work because you need balance".

While most feminists will say that feminism is defined as vying for equality for men and women alike. If you think about it, that's what Shailene wants, she just doesn't call it feminism. She calls it sisterhood. Also, considering we live in a male-dominant world, wouldn't men have to lose power in order for women to gain it? Wouldn't that mean that you are "taking the men away from the power", which is what she says she's against?

So it sounds like we're saying the same thing, only you're mad that she said she's not feminist. This reminds me of when hipsters were a thing. See, my boyfriend is not the stereotypical hipster (glasses, starbucks, angst) but I would call him one all the time. Because my definition of hipster is synonymous with pretentious. He'd make a comment about how he did or did not like something, airing on how he's better than someone with opposite implications, and I would call him a hipster for it. I feel like this article is the same way: You all believe in the same thing, just are calling it different things.

I don't like the stigma and connotations that come with being a feminist. If I were to agree with the ideals, I probably still wouldn't call myself a feminist because my initial reaction IS to shy away from it.

There is one more thing that she says in her interview that I feel expressed my feelings towards "feminism" exactly. "I don't know how we as women expect men to respect us because we don't even seem to respect each other. There's so much jealous, so much comparison and envy". YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES!!!

A woman will do or say what is socially acceptable more often than do what they want. You are going to tell your friend they look cute, lost weight, look tan, etc before you tell them you hate their dress, are wearing too much make-up, have a muffin top, and have been tanning too much. You are going to befriend someone you do not get along with just so you can keep up on the drama in their lives and watch them crumble and burn. You are going to surround yourself with people who have the traits you wish you had in yourself, and then you are going to talk badly about them to your other friends. PLEASE TELL ME HOW ANY OF THAT IS RESPECTFUL!!!!

Men don't do this. And that is why they're in more power than women. And if you think for a second that women striving for equality is going to end there, you are delusional. Women will not stop until they have it all, because that is the nature of their character.

A very accurate (though exaggerated) portrayal of this is in the comic "Y the Last Man" I think all "feminists" should check it out.

Bottom Line: Could Shailene have conducted a better interview to get her views across accurately? Absolutely. However, welcome to America where we enjoy making our celebrities look dumb to validate the common person.

My Insanely Big Head

So In my position, I end of working with a lot of aides and classified staff. It doesn't bother me; it's the nature of the job. I like working with them because to me it doesn't matter if you have a degree but the experience you have in the field and I have had some great learning experiences from these staff.

But sometimes (like currently while we're doing ECA testing) I'll be with a bunch of aides and the head of guidance will come in and say "now you're all here to help Miss Dennis because we need a licensed person to administer this and that blah blah" and it makes me want to have a swivel chair and be all "so how high should I make you jump" and "so look who needs who now" and "BOOM I'm your boss now" etc etc more things to make me look like a selfish cocky idiot.

I would never actually say any of those things. Again, I love working with the people I do. But sometimes in my head I remember why I took the time to get the certifications I did and this is how it pays off. I get to be useful in the school. I get to help manage stressful situations. All because I have a teachers license.

And I am ok with this :)

BUT with that being said, because I'm the one that *needs* to administer everything, I'm stuck in this room, whereas my assistants have left and not come back :( It's like...

...guys...guys...anyone...guys...

#foreveralone

On a Completely Unrelated Note:

I had no idea it had been since September since I last posted a chapter! Granted, I knew it had been a few months, but I swore I had worked on it at some point in 2014! Shows how much I know...

And Here's To You - Chapter 5

“Elaina, you really should let me shop for you.” My best friend, Robin, shook her head as I tried to pick out clothes from a boutique in the mall. With record high temperatures and Cameron working, I found myself in the air-conditioned mall with my completely opposite and oldest friend.

By completely opposite I mean there’s no reason we should get along at all let alone be best friends. We first met at freshman orientation four years ago because we were in the same advising group. I was never a shy girl, but I didn’t just randomly talk to strangers like she did. First she asked our advisor if different grades could have the same lunch, the next thing I know she’s turning to me asking if I know any cute seniors. I mean seriously who does that? Anyway, she must have enjoyed my presence because the first day of freshman year she found me in the lunchroom and the rest went from there.

Here at the mall she somehow convinced me to get pedicures. She’s the type of girl that gets her nails done habitually, along with maintaining her professionally highlighted hair regularly and never leaving the house without a perfectly coordinated outfit. How she and I, the give-me-jeans-and-a-tshirt-and-I’m-happy tomboy, have made it this long with a relatively peaceful friendship is beyond me.

Robin looked at the clothes I had in my hand “It’s the hottest day of the year so far and you’re picking out jeans?”

“The summer is the best time to find jeans, high supply, low demand,” I counter. She must have thought I was joking because when I started looking at long sleeved shirts she drags me away, throwing the jeans behind her, not caring where they fall.

“Hey! I was going to by those!”

“No you weren’t,” she said “You were going to try them on and then complain that the thread on the hem was loose, or the rhinestones on the pocket were tacky and would fall off in two washes, and then you’d put them back and scowl until we left the store.”

She dragged me along while she went through more racks of clothing. The next thing I knew, I had a maxi skirt and a peasant blouse in my arms and was being shoved back towards the dressing rooms. “You’re trying these on, and I’m going to see you in them, and that’s that.”

I rolled my eyes and shut the door, mildly amused at her insistence. Because I knew there’s no way out of it, I took off my jean capris and blue cotton tshirt and put on the clothes she chose. I stepped out without looking in the mirror and turned to Robin.

She stared at me for two seconds and then nods. “Yep. You’re getting those.”

I go over to the 180-mirror and take a look. The skirt hugs my hips and flows straight down, stopping less than an inch to the floor. The shirt makes my athletic body look more feminine than I’ve ever succeeded in making it, by making my boobs look big and stomach look small. Self-consciously, I take my hair out of its ponytail and watch it tumble onto my shoulders, blond waves cascading to the small of my back. Whoa.

I feel a pinch at my shoulder and hip, and when I turn, I see Robin running away with the tags in her hand. “I’m buying these before you can change your mind. Don’t change out of those if you value your life!” She blows a kiss at me and continues towards the cashier. I roll my eyes but look at my reflection again. I certainly can’t complain with the end results. I put on my sandals and start folding my old clothes. My mind drifts back to last night.

Despite how suave he had been that morning or in his text, he seemed visibly relieved when I came to his window. It was the encouragement I needed to climb through, this isn’t just about me. He was playing a game on his Xbox so I sat on his bed with my legs crossed. He got back on the bed and lay on his stomach; his shoulder and my knee were touching.

I’m not sure what the game is, but he is shooting wormhole entry points and exit points with a gun and then going through them. Boys and their toys, I think, never having gotten the hang of Xbox myself.

“You wanna talk about dinner?” Cameron asks me without taking his eyes off the screen.

“Not really. You wanna talk about your sister?” I say in the same tone he used with me.

He paused his game and looked me in the eye. “No.” I resisted the sudden urge to cry but broke the eye contact. It’s hard to see pain etched in someone when you know it’s reflected in yourself. After a couple moments he went back to his game. I uncrossed my legs and lay down with my head on his pillow, putting my feet by his head. “Hey now,” he started “what did I do to you? Get your smelly feet away from me”.

He pushes at my feet and I push them towards his face, making us both laugh. Incidentally, he lost concentration and died somehow in his game, putting him back at his last checkpoint. “Check this out” he said as his character went to a narrow hallway and made a wormhole entry and exit right across from each other. Holstering the gun, his character extended his hands into each hole. He was holding hands with himself, in an infinite loop of his character. “That’s one way to never be alone.” He shut off his game and Xbox and joined me at the top of his bed. “Amanda called today.”

“Oh really?” I ask nonchalantly. “And how did that go?”

“She was going on about how we broke up rashly, how we could make things work, and how I could transfer down to New Mexico…” he trailed off and looked at me and I did my best to keep a blank face. “Could she be anymore selfish?”

I released the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I’m glad he said it and not me. “Looks like you’ll have to keep breaking hearts, then.”

He put his arm around me and turned me on my side facing him. “Here’s what we need: A watch that instead of telling time, it tells you how much time until you meet your true love. Then, all you have to do is wait until it ticks down to zero and let fate do all the rest.”

I have to keep myself from chiding a sarcastic remark back. While I personally didn’t care for Amanda, I know he did. “Isn’t that basically what we’re doing? The only thing is that there’s no watch. You’re still waiting for fate to do all the dirty work”

“Yeah, I guess.” He looks down at me and pulls me closer so that my head is on his chest. “But isn’t knowing half the fun?”

His tshirt is soft against my cheek. Rhythmically rubbing my back, he’s chasing the demons from earlier this evening away. “If I knew who mine was, I’d feel badly for knowing I’d mess it up somehow.”

Cameron laughed sleepily “It’d be because of your smelly feet.” One last squeeze and I know he’s drifting off to dreamland, while I relaxed and tried to sleep, but kept thinking about soul mates and how much Cameron deserves to meet his.

My struggle with feminist progression

A long time ago I made a post about how I was not a feminist. Today, I feel the same way, but this feeling confuses me.

It's a fine line. Do I believe that women should be treated equally and given the exact same rights, wages, privileges, responsibilities, duties, and opportunities that men do? Honestly...no. But do I think that women should be treated with blatant INequality and disrespect? Absolutely not! So then, what is it that I actually believe?

My go to example is if a draft were reinstated. If we had true equality, then both men and women would be expected to draft at 18, not just men. Can you imagine being a parent and having to lose both your sons and your daughters to war? Family lines all over the country would cease to exist because there is no active preservation of that line.

If a man and a woman are doing exactly the same job, to the tee, with the exact amount and caliber of experience, then I think it is wrong if there is a wage gap. If the woman has more experience and a higher caliber, then I do not think she should be making the same or less than someone with less experience. I see it very objectively: take the gender off the resume and evaluate them based on their worth, not their sexual organs. However, there's a strong part of me that feels this is rarely the case. Even if the man and woman have the same caliber of education, I do not feel that their experience will be the same, and I do not think their perception towards clients or administrations will be the same. We have stereotypes for a reason, and while I know it's easy to defy them or be the exception, it's still an accurate assumption or else it wouldn't be the stereotype.

You have two companies trying to sign on a client. One is run by a guy, the other a girl.

Actually, let's start by looking how I addressed the scenario: Guy vs Girl. There's a social etiquette with gender terms, and for some reason, we are allowed to say girl for an adult, but not boy. By saying girl instead of lady or woman, aren't we already belittling females? If you say "girl" the first words a guy will think is young, silly, foolish, etc. Very similar to what girls think of the world "boy". But yet, I've called my mom a girl and there's never been an issue.

However, I digress...

The two companies cannot take the same approach with the client. The one run by a guy will take the client out to a round of golf and then a lunch, all expensively paid by his company, trying to show the luxuries available to the client by signing on. Of course, this is under the assumption that the client is a guy. If it is a girl, he'll probably still take her out to lunch, showing her the luxuries of the company but then taking the route that she would never have to lift a finger by signing on with them. The company run by a girl would be trying hard to impress a guy client by empirically stating facts proving her to be the best option. With a girl client she would probably take more of a relatable approach...

Of course I'm saying all this when I'm a teacher...which is a profession that has been ruled by women for the past century. Funnily enough this started out as a man's profession but when women started to feel the need to work for themselves they became teachers because their nurturing instincts would do well with the children in the classroom.

I need to make a better habit of not speaking of subject which I have no experience, just mild observations. I suppose my perception of the world is that men do more for society, so their added privileges and responsibilities don't strike me as odd or undeserving. However, if I personally am vying for something that is given to a man, I'm not going to pull the "it's because I'm a girl" card, I'm going to work to show that I'm the better candidate and do more to DESERVE it.

I am again saying this because I've been promoted over a guy before. Twice. We were both up for a supervisor promotion, and technically he had been promoted before me the first time (though I blame being out of the country half way through promotions, not lack of experience) I still beat him out for that promotion. Then when a manager position became open, there were only three of us with the experience to qualify the promotion, and it was me and another girl (ie NOT the guy) who got promoted. So I suppose all my personal experience says that my hard work will give me what I need and desire, regardless of my sex or the sex of those opposed to me. I might have a different stance if I were in a different position, but I'm not.