FAIL of EPIC (though potentially awesome) Proportions!!!

Well since my summer started at the beginning of May, I'm going to say that the last day of July is pretty much the end to my "summer". So remember that post that I made like...a bagillion years ago?

...ok so maybe it was three months ago, but still!

The one where I talk about blogging more, and cooking more, and pinning more, and dabbling in vlogging, and just enjoying my summer because I just got done working a big girl job and it sounded like exactly like what I wanted to do?!

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...yeah. Totally not how this summer went.

When I wrote that, this picture is what I thought of :P

It's actually been a pretty tough summer. So many changes in such a short amount of time...it's hard to keep up with them all! And unfortunately it lead to several personal issues that I tried to resolve...which then had its own successes and failures. Here's just a short list of some things that went on this summer.

My dad found out that his position was being terminated at the hospital he was working at :( So he was proactively seeking work and got offered a job in the price range he was asking for :) except this job is in Hillsboro, Ohio, approximately three and a half hours away from where we live now :| He had to move out there June 16th to start the job, so we've been separated since then dealing with everything else down here, like figuring out getting the house ready to be put on the market, tying up all loose ends, and figuring out what this means for my sister and I who are staying in Indiana.

I found out that I was going to be teaching at Perry Meridian High School this coming semester! :) My first day is actually tomorrow, and I have to be up in...five and a half hours. Oops! Oh well, blogging is worth it! :P I'm really looking forward to being in this school and working with this teacher!

One of the loose ends is just schooling in general. Rachel signed a contract for an apartment for she's pretty much leaving the nest essentially for good. Since I'm at a school that's in Indy, I'm staying at home until we sell the house, but even then I'll want to stay in the Indy area if possible.

Still working at the movie theater, although I now have a new title: Lead Supervisor! It's that awesome position where you do all the work of an assistant manager, but without the title, or the keys, or the pay grade. Although I did get a $0.40/hr increase, so I'm not complaining too much! The position is actually great because I'm still working with the staff enough to know what's actually going on with them, any issues or concerns get brought directly to me and then I get to work with everyone to solve them. I'm also in charge of the 12 supervisors we have, so it's pretty nice to have a nice semblance of power.

Last summer we bought a third car because the two that we had were both over a decade old. Well, that's the car that my dad took to Hillsboro when he left for his job, leaving us here with the two old cars. So about a month ago my mother bought a car so that she could feel safe driving around town. This gave us three cars for four of us living at home, things were working out great. Well then, my sister's roommate, who was planning to have a car in Bloomington while she was not, ran into some car troubles. My mother, brother, and I all needed cars in town to go to our jobs and/or schools, so there wasn't a car for her to take down to Bloomington. Well, after some lengthy discussions, I got to start car shopping! The second place we visited ended up having the car that I purchased, a 2008 Nissan Sentra. I fell in love with that care quicker than I dared admit to anyone. I was supposed to be looking at Hondas and Toyotas, because they were known for their reliability. But everything felt right driving the Nissan. It didn't feel like I was driving an old car, which the other ones I test drove did feel like. We were able to make the payments work, and in less than 72 hours I drove the car off the lot!

Pretty sure that's one of my favorite moments of the summer. The car is in my name, the loan is in my name, I am completely responsible for its well-being. Now don't get me wrong, thinking about paying for everything that may go wrong scares me, but I like this first step. I love being able to take care of this car, as weird as that sounds. Like, I've been itching to buy a tire gauge, to get a grease job and oil change, to make copies of my keys, all because I want to take pride in this vehicle and take care of it now to make sure it lasts me well into the future. It's a pretty cool feeling :)

But anyway, now we're that family that each member has their own car. And less than 18 months ago, we had two cars for five drivers. I feel like we're upgrading from dial-up to wifi all over again; the convenience is astounding!

There's so much more, really, that's happened. It's been absolutely insane, this summer. It feels weird at times, because I feel like I belong, and yet I don't at the same time. It's a middle stage where everything is changing expect for the big things (ie the house getting sold, me getting my own place, etc). We're in the middle, and it's weird, and different, and I don't know if I like it or not.

I do know that I'm ready for the school year to start and to start getting my own wheels turning so I can take pride in more aspects of my life, like my classroom and new living quarters :)

Apparently I'm Good At Confusing Myself

I grew up in a household where I was conditioned to think I was different and the same at the same time. I was different because my parents had high expectations for me, but I was the same in that I had nothing extra or wrong with me. Above average, but normal, so to speak. Because of that, I am unable to confront my biggest fear to date:

I think I might have an anxiety disorder.

Why can't I confront this? Because it's one of those things that I don't feel I should be able to recognize or admit. If I had an anxiety disorder, would I truly know that I did? Would I suspect it? Wouldn't being aware of it help it go away?

Doing research online doesn't help because I can't tell if I'm molding myself into the description they give. Or identify with parts and wonder if that's enough. Of course the thought of telling my mother...I can tell you it won't go anywhere because of how I was raised. If I think I have an anxiety disorder it's to get attention or make myself seem different or God knows what.

It doesn't help that I've suspected this for almost five years now. That I've had attacks out of no where for small, meaningless, and inexplicable reasons. That I've taken medication for the soul purpose of getting these feelings out of my head and questioning everything when it works...

There's still part of me that says it's in my head. It's psychosomatic. I think I just want to see someone so I can know one way or another. Yes you do or no you don't. At least then I'd have an answer, right?

But what if I'm scared to know what the answer would be?

Some days are really really good. I feel like my life is perfect. I feel like everything is going the way it should be. Some days are terrible. I feel more aware of silence and solitude that it freaks me out. I want to cry for no reason and have someone notice. I don't know or think that any of this is linked to a specific event, especially since I think it's been going on for half a decade...but I still wish I knew if I had a trigger...

I feel like I'm fucked up. I feel like I need to get over myself. I feel like I need help.

A wonderful combination indeed.

Did You Know

That I can usually tell when someone has a true problem, and when someone just needs to vent frustrations directed towards me. Recently I've been doing a good job at developing this because I've noticed it happening more and more often. I don't let it affect me because once the venting is over it's as if nothing happened, and if it's not being held against me then I don't see the need to hold it against the other. Unfortunately, my passiveness has been mistaken for being a coward as well as obstinate. These claims are getting to me and making me want to defend more than just listen. This is now becoming a problem because it's causing me anxiety and I actually just caught myself pre-anxiety attack because of a venting session. Which is why I started blogging again. I had earlier been told that I spend too much time worrying about my virtual (and maybe pretend) audience and should be focusing on other aspects in my life. However my month of nonblogging has shown me how much I need blogging in my life. Keeping everything bottled up is having negative effects on my life, and I can see that. Even if I'm only putting things up here instead of confronting it head on. Just getting this information out SOMEWHERE helps. As I type this (and the previous two blogs) I can feel myself letting go of the pained emotions I was having. I'm nonconfrontational. I feel no need or desire to go up to an individual and actually the thought of confronting someone creates almost as much anxiety as bottling everything up. Blogging is a happy medium where I don't have to worry about the implications of my words. I'm not doing this to hurt anyone. I'm not doing this to rebel against anyone. This is purely me conveying my emotions so that I don't stress out and I don't harm anyone else. This is my form of venting, but I'm not causing my computer to have a panic attack. And truly I don't care what anyone things, if they think this is petty or useless or immature or irresponsible or me acting like a child instead of an adult. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. THIS IS ABOUT ME. DEAL WITH IT.

...passive aggressive much? Just the way I like it.

I'm back, baby :)

Did You Know

That I have a classic Type B personality? The personality types are only theorized, but here's what they say about Type B:

Type B

The theory describes Type B individuals as a contrast to those with Type A personalities. People with Type B personality by definition generally live at a lower stress level and typically work steadily, enjoying achievement but not becoming stressed when they are not achieved. When faced with competition, they do not mind losing and either enjoy the game or back down. They may be creative and enjoy exploring ideas and concepts. They are often reflective, thinking about the outer and inner worlds.

Now we took personality tests in my Wellness class, and it said I was like 75% Type B. Most people are a mix of sorts because we all have out individual stressors that bring out the Type A in us. Another thing we learned about personalities is dealing with stress. Type A personalities will have their stressors "jump out" at them, and it won't go away until it's resolved. Type B personalities won't see stressors until they are blocking their current goal or interest. For example, a Type A will be a clean freak and one thing out of place will be glaringly obvious. A Type B will not even acknowledge a mess until they don't have a path to their chair or they step on and break something. 

Although these are just theories, it's something with with I identify strongly. Probably because I can see the Type A and B in those constantly around me, and it's an obvious explanation to me as to why people put importance in certain things. I'm sure there are those who would put as much validity in this as they do zodiac, but I see nothing wrong with leading a Type B life. What I label important is no less valid than what someone else labels important. 

Now to try and convince the Type A's that...

Did You Know

That I don't chew my eggs? The only way I like my eggs is scrambled with salt and ketchup because I can scoop them in my mouth, taste no egg, and swallow them just like that. If I were to eat an egg in a sandwich or burrito, I wouldn't be able to because everything else in the sandwich or burrito would need to be chewed and I don't want to chew my eggs. I still do that with cheese sometimes. Like if I'm just eating a chunk or slice of cheese, I can't chew it. It weirds me out. That's why I prefer small curd cottage cheese to large curd, and I never eat the crazy large curds. Because I don't want to chew them. Now when cheese melts I'm fine with chewing it. But eggs can't melt, so I'm still stuck with that. 

#thatmomentwhen

You talk about how you want to blog more! And come up with these great topics and things to talk about!

...and then don't post anything for a solid week.

Way to go, Emma :P

Reminds me of Shady Fizz every time...

It's the Once ler from The Lorax.