It was impulse to e-mail you last month. I've been working for a few months to justify forgiving you in my head so I can let go and move on. It's hard. To me, you were it. You were the end all be all, and you very much broke my heart, and I'm sorry for it.
You had been on my mind. I saw the article on Facebook and I saw parallels from what you were always complaining about being wrong in your life and substance abuse. I had just found out that one of my classmates that I had known since kindergarten had died from heroin overdose. It was enough of a parallel for me to feel the need to notify you, hoping you'd connect the dots and realize there are probably more ways to create your own happiness than you are channeling. That was the only purpose of me sending that e-mail.
This message is sent with intention. As much as I would love to rip you apart and try with all my might to make you feel guilty about what you did to me, that's not going to help me let go. That's not going to help me move on. If I anchor hate for you in me, you'll always be there, and ten months after the fact, I'm ready to move on. I'm ready for you not to be there anymore. While you might not need this message, I need to send it. I need to know that I have acknowledged forgiving you and moving on. Please excuse the selfish act. Feel free to not respond, make fun of on social media, take seriously, or whatever works for you. This just works for me.
I suppose I knew when we started the relationship that you were capable of cheating on me. You almost cheated on M with me--you had said you wanted to--and because of that I should not have been surprised that you were also capable of cheating on me. The only reason you didn't cheat on her is because I didn't let you. I didn't let you have me until we were both out of relationships. I should have known that most people don't follow such rules or wait for such formalities...I should have known better. I suppose I thought I was different, especially since the first time we dated we broke up because you had said you wanted to cheat on me, yet you didn't. Sure you could cheat on someone else because they weren't who you were supposed to end up with; I thought I was. So therefore if you finally got back with me, you wouldn't feel the need to cheat. It's naive to think that, though I suppose I've really always been a naive girl. Life goes on, and hopefully I will as well.
I forgive you for betraying my trust and breaking our relationship. I don't believe you did it to hurt me. I don't blame you for justifying it in your head. I'm sure it was easy to get caught up in the moment. I don't blame the girl for going through with it, knowing you were in a relationship. I'm sure she just liked you enough to hope it was a risk worth taking. I forgive you for lying to me. I'm sure you were trying to protect me somehow. I forgive you for everything I know you did, and for anything I never found out. I don't want to know if there was more I never found out, but whether there was or wasn't, I forgive you of those thoughts and actions.
As much as I would love to dramatically say "and this is the last you'll hear from me" I don't want to be so absolute. Besides the fact that I saw your mother less than a month after we had broken up, I've always had a penchant for contacting you for one reason or another. I won't deny that old habits die hard. However, this is my act to let go, start to pick up the pieces, and move on. I hope you are doing (or have done) the same. I'm no longer trying to shut you completely out, or pretend you never existed, or hope malice comes your way. I simply want to move on, and I hope this helps me do so.
I apologize that this couldn't have been a passive act; it's hard for me to know that you'll read this and have the ability to reply. I hope life is not terrible for you, and if our paths cross again that it won't be the end of either our worlds.
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