CENSORSHIP!

I am in a pickle.

Not literally, of course. Although that might be pretty delicious...

Anyway, I'm trying to censor all of my social media to be "school appropriate". Now it's not like my media has been necessarily INappropriate, but just making sure that if a teacher or principal were to google me they wouldn't find anything that could cost me a job.

Everything has been pretty easy to just tighten the privacy settings and go from there. But then I get to this blog, and I don't know what to do. This blog is an outlet for me to say what's on my mind in a safe and constructive (at least more so than yelling at someone) manner.

There are parts of this blog that are raw 100% pieces of me. There are also parts that are one time feelings and emotions that do not reflect how I see things generally but it was necessary for me to express what I was feeling at the time. Is it possible that something in here could make or break a teaching opportunity for me?

These are the questions I need answers to...

Holy Shit

Pardon my French...

...even though it was English...

But seriously, take a few minutes to watch this video. Legitimately, this is almost a necessary task. Your mind will be blown and you will not know what to do, except maybe rewatch this video and then tell the world about it.

The Innovation of Loneliness from Shimi Cohen on Vimeo.

Take a minute for it to digest, I've got time.

Ready? Ok good.



...like seriously this makes me want to delete all social media.

On Facebook I have 648 "Friends"
On Twitter I have 93 "Followers"
On Instagram I have 60 "Followers"
Start adding the lesser medias like my blogs, google plus, youtube, skype, and god knows what, and I have multiple social circles that don't completely overlap any of the others. Of course then you have your contacts in your phone for texting, e-mailing, facetiming, etc and so forth and we've got even more circles and even fewer real connections.

My mind is blown. Blown completely away. I've made the realization before that I don't know what I'd do without my phone, and I've always been fine with it because I knew I'd never live in a society again where I wasn't expected to have one. It just seems silly to have a pile of things like a book, and a crossword, and a newspaper, and an allotted time slot to catch up with friends, and a deck of cards, an address book, a map, an alarm clock, and everything we use it for...when we could just have a smart phone BOOM it's all there and takes up less room than a TV remote control.

I think there are some unconscious parts of me that are trying to get back to the basics of it all. I'm in the beginning parts of a relationship with this guy and I haven't made it public knowledge because I want this relationship to be built on how we perceive each other and our feelings and emotions that surround it, not based on how others perceive us and what they can view through social media. I have friends that post every gory detail of their lives, personal and otherwise, on social media. I have friends who consider it a past time to look up these gory details of others' lives, personal or otherwise. I mean, come on, how in the world is it ok to "Facebook Stalk" someone. Can we get virtual restraining orders, is that a thing now? Oh wait, it's just called changing your privacy settings and only being friends with the people that you actually consider friends, not ones you're acquainted with and want to put your nose in their business just for the sake of doing so.

I'm a total control freak that feels better when I know everything. I could never be the "blissfully ignorant" one...not in a million years. That makes me hesitate actually deleting all social media. But then again...if I could make myself believe that I could be happier without it, maybe it would be something to look into.

Guiltless Pasta Salad!

My family always loved having pasta salad in the summer, especially with burgers, hot dogs, and most all grilling items. My mother started shying away from it because of how many carbs were in the pasta and put that on top of buns, fries, potatoes, you name it. I actually just got done making it and I realized that this recipe can be so much better, especially for those who want to make sure they're not just adding more carbs to their meal!

Guiltless Pasta Salad

What you may not be able to tell from the picture is the sheer amount of vegetables in this pasta salad. And that's only using what's in my fridge; there are so many more to put in!

The trick is to get the ratio right. for each serving of pasta you want a serving of vegetables. Variety is key, as are the extras you add to make it taste like you're eating a regular pasta salad, not a whole bunch of veggies.

Here's what I did:

-1 box (12 oz) Rainbow Rotini (adding spinach and tomato to the pasta)
-1/2 bottle (8 oz) Zesty Italian Dressing (low sodium options if possible)
-6-8 oz carrots, chopped finely
-16 oz sugar snap peas, chopped finely
-8 oz turkey pepperoni, chopped finely

1. Cook pasta in boiling water for 9 minutes.
2. Using a chopper, grater, or really awesome knife skills to chop your vegetables to your liking of thickness.
3. After straining the pasta, combine all ingredients in a bowl. Chill for two hours and serve cold.

Pretty simple, right? A serving of pasta is 2 oz, or about a half cup. And for every half cup of pasta, there's a half cup of vegetables. Adding the pepperoni with the Zesty Italian dressing helps keep the flavor strong and less vegetable...y.

Other vegetables you can add:
Cauliflower (Which my family usually adds, we just didn't have any today)
Peppers (I wouldn't use a lot because they are strong and can overpower the taste)
Bean Sprouts
Cherry Tomatoes
Broccoli
Scallions (Again, don't use so much because of the strength of the flavor)
Black Olives

There are some times where we'll add cheese to the dish. Either small cubes of cheddar or colby jack, or the powdered Parmesan cheese.

It's a healthier alternative to your standard barbeque pasta salad, and a nice change for those who try and eat vegetables daily without feeling like a rabbit. Like I said, it's a huge hit at my house!

And Here's To You - Chapter 3

I wake up again without an alarm around 9:00am to the smell of sweet dough frying downstairs. Whenever my mother is trying to distract herself, we find her making something in the kitchen. Thank goodness she’s a spectacular cook, so I get myself ready for the day and head downstairs.

My brother has a plate stacked high with brown-sugar donuts in front of him, and crumbs surrounding him showing that he’s already helped himself to a few. I grab a plate from the cabinet and sit down next to him. “Morning,” I say, and he grunts back a reply.

“Is it really too hard to say good morning,” My mother questions. She comes over to the table with four more donuts and kisses my forehead before sitting down. She was a strong woman, an optimist through and through.

“I’m not big into seeing the future” I retort sarcastically. Secretly I enjoy the positive spin my mother can seemingly put on any situation, but it never kept the realist in me from coming out. “If it turns out into a bad morning, my good morning wish will have been in vain. But if it turns out to be a good morning, then it’s a happy surprise.” I take a bite of donut and a bout of sweetness takes over my mouth. I’m certainly glad she’s a fantastic cook.

“Smartass” my brother mumbled.

“Language!” My mother was roller her eyes when she said it. “Is it really that hard to keep your mouth clean around your mother?”

My brother didn’t reply. In fact, I had noticed now that he had become much quieter in the past year than ever before. We used to get into wicked fights growing up for no other reason than we could. These days he kept more to himself or at least tried to get out of the house and away from family as much as possible. Since I was basically doing the same thing, I couldn’t say that I blamed him. However, it hadn’t stopped me from socializing with family when the peace allowed it.

He got up from the table and put his plate in the sink. “The JV team is scrimmaging today. A couple buddies and me were gonna watch if that’s ok?” He phrased it like a question even though both my mother and I knew it didn’t matter if we opposed or not.

My mother sighed. “Just be back in time for supper, please. Your father is coming over.” Eli nodded and grabbed his truck keys hanging by the garage door. He gave us both a final glance as he walked out slamming the door behind him.

Wearily, my mother smiled. “He certainly has an acquired taste for showing his love for his family.” She started clearing the table. Despite everything that was happening in our family, she still found it easy enough to make a light-hearted comment and continue her life as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

For a moment I was just watching my mother busy herself in the kitchen. I was thinking about everything she had been dealing with the past couple of months, and couldn’t help but marvel her strength through all of this. She truly believed that things would work out for the better in every situation.

I admired this about her, but I still felt it was foolish. If something didn’t work out, how would she react? How would Eli react? How would our family change?

My thoughts got interrupted when I heard our front door open. I see Cameron and Shawna walking through the foyer towards the kitchen. My mother turned around and smiled. “Good morning” she exclaimed. I couldn’t help but feel she was emphasizing the good for my sake.

“Hey” he said. “I could smell breakfast all the way from my bedroom. Parents are at the hospital, care if Shawna and I crash?”

“Not at all” my mother replies. “And here, let me whip you guys up something to take home for food later. I’m sure your parents haven’t been grocery shopping properly in a minute, oh and I just got this new recipe…”

She trailed off as she started busying herself making more food. Shawna sat next to me as Cam took the seat Eli was before, each grabbing a donut and some orange juice still out on the table.

My mother always had an open door policy when it came to family friends. Once more her strength put everyone else’s needs before her own, and any worry she possibly had of her own life had completely disappeared into concern for her best friends and their family. I put my plate in the sink and kissed my mom on the cheek, saying I was going to get ready for work.

I went up to my room to grab my uniform when I felt the presence of someone behind me. I turned around and Cam was leaning on my doorframe watching me. “Can I help you?” I inquired.

He didn’t answer but continued to look at me. Cam was only silent when he didn’t know how to phrase what he wanted to say. He was always careful about his word choice, making sure the meaning he intended was the one he obtained. “Lilly is being released today.”

“Wow!” I reply. “That’s good, right?”

He was silent again. “She’s getting ready to go through chemo. I know it’s going to be hard on her. And my mom.”

I thought back to his mom. Sharron was an interesting character. She got her “MRS.” Degree right out of high school with Cam’s dad, not really bothering with any further schooling. She was perfectly content funding her beauty budget with her husband’s money. His dad Eric was a lawyer in a firm in Atlanta where he commuted a half hour each day to and from Carrollton. His parents had always been friends with mine, but their personalities could not be more different. Sharron’s emphasis on beauty and Eric’s emphasis on a successful law career would not make the next couple of months easy for Lilly.

“How’s Shawna taking it?” Shawna had been their family’s biggest cheerleader throughout everything. She refused to let people know when she was upset by anything; it’s just the type of person she was. She was studying to be a speech therapist with only one more year to go. She believed in helping people through their own struggles in order to find inner peace…or something along those lines.

“Shawna offered to shave her head with Lilly.” Cam explained. “My mother just about burst into tears on the spot”

I laughed. Typical; Sharron caring about the physical aspects of chemo rather than the chemical ones. I rolled my eyes and finished getting ready for work. “Well I’m having a family dinner tonight so I’ll make sure to tell you how that goes.”

“Ah yes. Tell Edward I said hello.”

“Edvard,” I mocked a Dutch accent, how his mother—my grandmother—addresses him. “That’s just what I need; my father to stop complaining about how my mother was raised and knock into how I’m throwing my life away going to community college instead of his Alma Mater to be with—“ I was about to say to be with him. That was an argument I’ve had too many times with my parents that I didn’t feel like bringing up currently. “Anyway, I have to get going.”

Cam nods and lets me through the doorway. “Your room tonight?”

“Nah,” I reply casually. “Parents will be fighting all night.”

“Mmkay. Just tap on the window when you can’t resist me anymore” he winked and headed down the stairs with me, but as I went out the front door he went back to the kitchen with his sister and my mother.

As I closed the door once again I already can feel the start to a hot and humid day. Heading to my car, I try and forget my father’s voice already in my head, lecturing me about my most recent choices.

And Here's To You - Chapter 2

I did preface that Cameron and I had an interesting friendship

I first secretly stayed the night with him the night he found out his sister had liver cancer. We were sophomores in high school and he was staying in our guest room since his parents were at the hospital with Lilly. His other sister, Shawna, was away for college in West Virginia and couldn’t get back to Georgia for another two weeks. He had just gotten off the phone with his mother when I walked in, and I could tell by the look on his face that he was truly scared. At that moment I shut the door and sat on the bed with him and didn’t leave until 7:00am the next morning.

Lilly got better and our lives slowly but surely started to return back to normal. When my parents separated, Cameron didn’t hesitate to return the favor by staying with me or letting me in through his window when my parents were shouting as I tried to sleep. It just took a flinch or a tone of voice, or even a text message when we weren’t already spending time together, to know that we wouldn’t leave the other that night. We never made a big deal about it, and our families were too busy with their own lives to notice or question it. It was our way of coping, and it worked.

You would think that this kind of friendship would hinder romantic relationships to occur with others, but you’d be surprised. Whenever I had boyfriends, they never made any comments to how much time I spent with Cameron. Our school was small enough that everyone pretty much knew everyone else, so when we hung out it was always on friendly terms. His girlfriends, however, were a different story. They were always the same type: Preppy, blonde, always wearing skirts too short and heels too high. Every time Cam introduced me to his newest attachment they would always give me a onceover, immediately assessing if I was a threat or not.

He was actually recently single. His last girlfriend, Amanda, gave up on him ditching his family and me to go to the University of New Mexico with her in September. They had been together for a few months; long enough to go to prom together have a joint graduation party. The entire time they were together, however, she was trying to get him to forget his idea of going to the college in town and life at home and go away to college to get away from the family drama. That’s what she said, at least, but I’m fairly certain she meant to get him away from me. At any rate, he never budged and she gave up trying, claiming his good looks weren’t enough to keep her in this small town forever.

Personally, I think he’s better off.

And I don’t say this for selfish reasons. Well, I probably do, because I have no idea what I would do if he weren’t more than a yard away. But I can’t image being with someone that doesn’t understand why your priorities are what they are. Granted, I’ve been sworn off relationships ever since my parents separated, so I may not be the best one to ask for an opinion on successful relationships.

I wake up and look at the clock. 6:58am. Two minutes before the alarm goes off. I feel Cam’s arms tightly around me as he breathes softly into my hair. “I know you’re awake, Elaina,” he murmurs into my hair.

I reach up to shut off the alarm before it turns on. “No you don’t.” I turn towards him. “You’re just dreaming.”

He opens his eyes and looks into mine, then closes them and snuggles closer. “You always stiffen when you wake up, as if you’re bracing for attack. It wakes me up.” I feel his breath on my neck and can’t help but weave my hands around his bare chest, unwilling to start my day just yet. “Five more minutes” he whispers.

“Five more minutes.” I sigh back, relaxing back into his embrace. It’s the most intimate we ever get: Consciously lying in each other’s arms. It never crosses the platonic line and it never acts as more than a life preserver on a boat. Even if you don’t need it, you feel safer with it there.

I eventually get out of bed and inconspicuously leave his house and cross the yard to my own. No one is ever up this early in my family so I walk in the front door and up to my room without having to answer any questions from anyone. I pass my brother’s room as I head towards my own, and I feel a slight pang of sadness.

My brother Eli is 16 and getting ready to start his junior year of high school. He’s on the football team and has never had any problems making friends, but he and I have drifted a lot these past couple of years. I suddenly worry how he’s reacting to the separation, hoping he doesn’t feel abandoned by it all. I slowly open his bedroom door and see him sprawled on his too-small bed snoring slightly with our cat by his side. Seeing him like this makes it hard to picture him as our high school’s varsity wide receiver, because all I see is my innocent younger brother. I quickly close the door and head straight to my room, making sure not to wake anyone.

Every morning after Cam and I part ways, it’s always the same. I feel consumed by the emptiness and silence that has replaced his warm embrace. I try and remember his arms around me, or his breath on my skin, hoping the memory will help me get through the times where the silence is all consuming. I lie down in my own bed and close my eyes, thinking of nothing but the touch memory from a half hour ago. I use those thoughts to drift me back into my own dreamland for a few more hours before I have to truly start my day.

And Here's To You - Chapter 1

“Do you remember that one softball game when you got a black eye?” Cameron was asking me.

I was nine. I was playing third base and paying more attention to my dad in the dugout than I was the ball that had been hit straight towards me, resulting in a delayed game and a very swollen eye for two weeks. “Yeah, what of it?”

“I remember you coming home in an eye patch. I thought it was weird because it was your brother obsessed with pirates, not you. When my mom told me you got hurt I thought you were only wearing the eye patch to make him feel better.”

I rolled my eyes and started to laugh. I was using Cameron’s chest as a pillow while I picked at the weeds growing around where we were lying down. It was a hot summer day with the sun beating down and not a cloud in the sky.

Cameron had always been my best friend. We grew up as next-door neighbors and our families went to the same church, so Cameron and his two sisters naturally befriended my brother and me. Cameron and I were the same age. There were three years between him and his older sister, and then three years between her and his oldest sister. My brother was two years younger than me, but the five of us all grew up as friends despite the age differences.

Cameron propped up on his elbows and looked down at me. “Are you sure you didn’t have a thing for pirates back then? Your little brother might have just been an excuse.”

“Cameron!” I gasped in fake exasperation. This entire afternoon we had been lying in the park reminiscing our childhood. I suppose he was getting me back for bringing up the time his two older sisters made him wear a dress over to our house.

He ran a hand through my hair and settled back lying down. “Elaina, don’t you ever wish we were that young again and things were that easy? We didn’t have to worry about things like divorce or sickness or solving world hunger…”

I let his words trail off as they wandered into my mind. So much had changed in the seventeen years we’ve known each other. We had seen each other grow into and out of the awkward stages of being an adolescent teenager, including the growth spurts, incomprehensive hormonal outbursts, and of course the heartaches and heartbreaks that came with growing up. Having just graduated high school, we were finally off to the land of adulthood and—hopefully—change for the better.

 Two years ago, Cameron’s oldest sister Lilly was diagnosed with liver cancer. It was caught early on and she was treated right away. We thought they were in the clear up until about a month ago when she relapsed and the doctor found the cancer had spread through her lymph nodes. She had been in her last year of law school and had to withdraw due to the amount of time she was in the hospital. It had put a huge strain on his family, making their house a breeding ground for stress, tension, and arguments on a daily basis.

My house, unfortunately, wasn’t much better. My parents had separated a couple months back and they were currently seeing a therapist who encouraged getting all issues out in the open to establish communication. My father interpreted this as a green light to let my mother know every single thing he has found wrong in their marriage of 22 years.

Both of us had jobs and tried to stay as busy as possible, but today neither of us was working and had no plans. By 11:00am our houses were unbearable and we found refuge in the town park, where we had been for the past four hours.

Our friendship was certainly an interesting one. I had grown up thinking his was the brother that was slightly less annoying than the one I shared blood with. Seeing him grow up definitely opened my eyes to how attractive his became once his voice got deeper, he wasn’t stumbling over his long legs, and his face filled out with a straight jaw line and cheekbones to die for. He had always worn his dark blond hair longer than his mother willed, and his eyes had always been the deepest shade of blue I’d seen. But knowing that he could recite every embarrassing moment that I’ve ever experienced, I never felt the need to ogle over him like every other girl in our graduating class.

He never acted like he had a crush on me either, and probably for the same reasons. I grew up playing sports outside so my hair was always sun bleached and I had a constant tan. I always felt average, with my hair straight just past my shoulders and nothing notably unique except my eyes which were a very light green and stood out when I wore makeup.

I never expected anything to happen between us. Then again, I never expected to know someone on the brink of death or how my parents could go 22 years of marriage and only now start having problems. But once all hell started to break loose, we both held on to the one thing that was constant:

Each other.

I looked up at Cameron and saw he was watching my hands pop the heads off of dandelions unconsciously. His gaze shifted to my eyes when he saw me look up and he smiled. “I’m just waiting for your hands to turn yellow,” he said. “You’ll have to get treated for jaundice.”

“Whatever,” I retort. I pick up a white dandelion and blow the seeds into his face. “At least I won’t start sprouting flowers in my hair.”

He makes a grab for my sides to try and tickle me, but I quickly got to my feet into a defensive stance, prepared to run the minute he advances. He just brushed his hands through his hair to get all the seeds out. “It’s too hot to chase you around the park. Want to go for a swim?”

I nod in agreement. The pool at his house was always a good precursor to how we spent the evenings. His parents would see us go into his room after supper to presumably dry off and go our separate ways, but they never noticed that I never left his room. Almost every night I stay with him. We rarely did more than just hold each other as we drift in and out of sleep, but one thing we learned quickly was that it was easier to keep a grip on reality when you had someone to hold onto it with you.

Society Sucks Sometimes

We live in a society where your status is based on what or who you know. It's one thing to know a secret, but when someone else figures it out, in order to fit in with society, you can't just relish in the fact that you knew about it, you have to make sure they know that you know. But at the same time, when you do that, it either looks like you're boasting or that you're lying and are just trying really hard to fit in. With that logic you'd think you'd be able to just not say anything and be fine with it, But THEN you have to feel like everyone is talking down at you because you're not in the loop...

...I tell things like this to my mother and she's just like "Who the BLEEP cares?!" Which makes me think back to how I was raised. I wasn't raised to have the last word or to make sure everyone knows that I'm just as in the know as everyone else. I was raised to make choices, be content with those choices, take responsibility for my choices, and answer to no one but myself. And while I know this and can reiterate it, I still live in a society where status is everything.

And it's not just word of mouth status. It's physical proof status. If you tell people you met Will Smith it's just like yeah right, you probably just saw a black guy that had the same hair style. No, you need a PICTURE or some other thing to prove that you actually saw him.

This past week at work I knew something that was kept extremely confidential...I knew it because of my new position. But anyway, I had to create a red herring for the staff to think that way they wouldn't get too nosy and make up information. Well the information got leaked (from the source so maybe it's not an actual leak...) and this snooty staff member was acting all high and mighty that he knew the truth, and when I tried to tell him that I've known this whole time he looked like I was making a pathetic attempt to make myself look better than him which in reality that's what he was doing...

I KNOW I shouldn't care. I know it literally means less than nothing. But it irked me so much! And that's society right now. You don't have worth unless you know the right information you're supposed to know at the right time.