Wednesday, October 22, 2014

I'd feel worse except I know she blogs about me

"Hey, Bobby! Play that one about falling down the stairs!"

"Sure thing, Johnny!"

*Literally falls down stairs and crashes into a piano*

"...I love it!"

So I'm finding that I feel the need to vent more when I am taking on more of others' issues than my own. It's like I'm willing to give others so much more space in my head that I reserve for my own issues, and I never seem to have my own issues until that space has already been taken by someone else.

It's been a long, stressful week for me. Because I teach two high school level courses (French for 7th and 8th graders) I'm supposed to give finals for those classes. While my ENL kids don't take finals, we're in the process of completely revamping all of their schedules so that they're getting the attention they need in their major classes.

For the most part I feel like I have a pretty good support system. I have my family and close friends who will let me vent to them, and I'm even dating a guy who's been a great ear and distraction. I don't want to sound ungrateful or unappreciative of those in my life who are willing to step up if I were to ask.

But that's the thing, I'm never willing to ask. I'm the girl that never goes to the cafeteria for lunch because I don't want to be the one to disrupt the system, even though it's perfectly valid for me to do so. Not that this is about actually using the cafeteria...that was just supposed to be a metaphor.

It's like everything syncs up out of no where. I know these people will hear me out and give me advice or at least listen to me if I ask, but the moment I'm going crazy in my own head, my friends are going through their own drama, my guy is super busy at work, and it's just not something I feel the need to make a phone call and talk about over the phone to a family member for.

But I'm just going crazy. Why do I have to be the responsible one. I've been asked by multiple people why I'm nonconfrontational if I have issues with how things are done and it's because the argument is never worth it. It's NEVER worth it. But yet the one time I mention that the trashcan is full and the person who emptied it last didn't put a trash bag in it afterwards so the full trashcan has no trash liner...it turns into the fact that since I threw trash in there once too then it's ok and I shouldn't have contributed if it didn't bother me.

Like, I understand action and reaction. Yes, if I didn't want my only Ball State sweatshirt to be chewed by the dog I should have made sure it was safely in my room rather than on top the couch in the living room. But at the same time, if you've had your dog for almost seven months and she's still not trained well enough that while she's locked in her crate she freaks out so much that she chews a hole in the side of the kevlar plastic and reaches for anything within reach INCLUDING the corner of our couch AND one of my blankets AND my sweatshirt...all of which were ON the couch and no where near where her crate was to begin with...is THAT really my fault?

She says put up a baby gate in my bathroom so she doesn't come in and pee on my bathroom floor. Why do I have to inconvenience my life and why do I have to be responsible to make changes to MY life when it's YOUR lack of responsibility that is inhibiting the entire thing?

I'm not a bandaid fix kind of person. I can't just keep adding bandaids to the problem and hope that one sticks well enough for things to work out. Heck, the reason why I'm doing this scheduling overhaul is because the fix we made back in September *was* a bandaid and now we're getting close to overriding teachers with classes they can't teach due to language barriers. By changing the schedules at semester I'm able to get help to the kids that REALLY need it, get everyone in a class with someone who either speaks the same language or who understands the content well enough to help, or with another aide or teacher to help alongside the content teacher. And I spent almost three hours on 23 students today. That's less than half the students that need this done, and that was a lot of time that I'm not being compensated for. But I'm taking responsibility that the bandaid I put on three months ago is a little warn and I don't want to put another one on, I want to wear cast so when it heals, it heals for good.

WHY IS THIS SUCH A HARD CONCEPT TO GRASP?!?!?!?!?!

Not to mention the fact that my roommate talks about how she's so honest to a point and doesn't like the fact that while I'm honest I'm selective about what I say outloud...but yet every single time I've gone out of town she's sworn up and down that the apartment will be cleaned and the dishes will be done and I will come home to a GOOD place...and that has never once EVER happened. But yet when she comes home from Mexico the apartment is IMMACULATE, even though she said she was going to clean it before she left and she couldn't even manage that....

/endrant

Like I said, this week has been crazy. Monday was the easiest day because all I had to do with a self-evaluation from my observation on Friday. Tuesday, though, I have a meeting after school until 4, teach a class on literally the opposite side of town at 6, don't get home until 8, and I had to prepare for a presentation I volunteered for the next day. While the presentation was not mandatory by any means, I'm trying to establish myself in this school and among the teachers, and that was a way to do so. But in doing so, I not only had to make the presentation but I also had to make sub plans for the class I was missing to do the presentations. Of course that was also the morning that I had my evaluation with the assistant principal so I didn't have the morning to do any prep at all. On top of that, I got a headache around 11am that did not go away all day. I went home and I was in bed at 3pm and was there basically all night. And my guy is super swamped with work until Christmas so I'm trying not to bother him, but of course he's the one person I want to just talk to and take me away from this hecticness (thus is life right?) So today after completely forgetting to plan something for my EL kids to do, my facilitator and I sat down for three hours to try and hammer out schedules for next semester, and really I'm kind of screwed unless I get my prep period changed to a different hour. And of course the advisor who would be able to help me with this is out of town because (bless her heart) her family is going through so much loss right now it's truly not fair. Hopefully tomorrow won't be so big of an overhaul I think I just need to get through my classes and then I'm done for the week. But all I want to do is relax over the weekend but I have a roommate who won't clean or take any initiative unless I prompt her and a boyfriend who's working the weekend and probably won't have time to just relax.

I'm just hoping getting this off my chest and on paper makes me feel better. My hormones have been going up and down but I'm not even allowed to complain about them in the comfort of my own apartment because my roommate's are worse. I didn't realize everything was a pissing contest.

On one hand I can't even fathom that the end of the semester is NEXT WEEK and I'm so beyond happy that I can go to Ohio where I have absolutely no ties or obligations other than to my family and I can just enjoy the lack of cell signal in silent bliss. On the other hand I'm missing someone I can't reach and I'm preparing myself to coming home to my apartment after Christmas and it being an absolute wreck. And I hate that.

...I don't think I had realized how mad I actually was before I started writing this. I just hate how unfair things have been, but I haven't done anything to stop it because I can justify it in my head. It's hard for me to say I'm right and I have the right to ask for things to change, especially with a defensive roommate and the inability to ask it of someone before going through every single scenario in my head first. I've always claimed to having never been depressed but jeeze...maybe I'm getting a taste of it and I didn't even realize.

Like I said, I'm hoping that the magic of cyber space helps make me feel better about everything. Because my next solution is having a proxy fight my battles for me...or surgically enhancing my confrontation chemical and bully others to give me my way...so really the first option really is the best.

"Do you ever get tired of being random?"

*looks at each other wearing duck bills*

"Me neither"

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Reasons Why I Don't Update My Blog As Much Anymore

1) I'm actually super busy.

2) Device-wise, I'm usually within arms' reach of my phone or iPad, and I really don't like writing lengthy posts on a touch screen.

3) I'm constantly trying to keep my cat from being killed by my roommate.

4) Because I am now the owner of a smartphone and two tablets, I really rarely use my macbook anymore, which has the best keyboard for typing long posts.

5) I'm too busy trying to convince myself how busy I am.

6) While I have a computer at school that I could easily make lengthy posts on, I really use all my time for school work.

7) I'm constantly trying to keep my cat from killing me.

8) I'm dating again! And everyone knows that free time previously used for blogging is prime dating time.

9) The pertinent things that I actually want to blog about are really not things I want in the public space for everyone to see. Not until I can figure out how I want to word it all, that is.

10) Maybe I really am just that busy.