Friday, March 6, 2015

As If Words Could Ever Do It Justice

There's a feeling that I've had for almost a month now. It's hard to blurt out because it's a reciprocal action. Or at least it's best when it's a reciprocal action.

It's hard to describe. You hear it in songs and see it in movies and read it in books. Centuries of artists have spent their entire lives trying to depict it in one way or another. All of this makes it seem almost cliché, even though it's a feeling we all know exists even if we never feel it.

How sad would it be if no one truly ever felt it. You get it from your parents, family, friends, and significant others. What if you were in a situation where we never felt that? Or what if you couldn't perceive it? I see people everyday in a depressive state...what if it completely inhibits you from feeling what others are emoting to you?

It feels so weird trying to describe it, especially because I don't know how to without using the words that countless others have used before.

I've been in relationships where I've "been in love" but it never hit me like this. Like, this isn't just me wanting to tell him because he told me or because we're in a relationship or whatever. He was making me laugh and I looked into his eyes and BAM I can't breathe because all I want to do is clear out a path for the rest of my life because I love him. It's the strange urge to laugh and cry at the same time...or be tickled for the rest of your life even though it's near torturous. It's more than just being vulnerable. I've never actually wanted to be this vulnerable before. Even when I think back to "first love" or "longest love" or even "lost love" ...it was never this impacting, scary, or...crazy! Like on one hand it's a flame that I can feel consume me from my toes to my head...and on the other it feels like it barely impacts my everyday life until I think about him or hear from him and BAM once again it consumes me.

I think that's the best way to describe it. I feel completely consumed by love. And it's not even the grandiose things that keep it alive. In fact, more often than not it's the smaller things. Like...when we were talking about Valentine's Day and he thinks it's a commercial holiday and I love every bit of it...he was going through a lot but still texted me just after midnight, wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. There's something about the gesture...I wasn't expecting to hear from him and he had a totally legitimate reason to not say anything...but he did :)

There's also a social cue in English where when we are talking about our parents we say "my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, etc". The possessive pronoun "my" is present. Once you drop the pronoun, it's all of a sudden more...intimate. There truly is a connotation different between "Hey I can't talk my mom is in the hospital and I have to get my sister" versus "Hey, mom is in the hospital and I have to pick up Rachel." The familiarity that is there is so so subtle...but I love it.

It's a love that makes me want to go back in time and find myself and tell me that what I felt with others isn't as good as it gets. There's more love, better love, and when you feel it...it's the best thing ever.

Finding Forgiveness

It was impulse to e-mail you last month. I've been working for a few months to justify forgiving you in my head so I can let go and move on. It's hard. To me, you were it. You were the end all be all, and you very much broke my heart, and I'm sorry for it. 

You had been on my mind. I saw the article on Facebook and I saw parallels from what you were always complaining about being wrong in your life and substance abuse. I had just found out that one of my classmates that I had known since kindergarten had died from heroin overdose. It was enough of a parallel for me to feel the need to notify you, hoping you'd connect the dots and realize there are probably more ways to create your own happiness than you are channeling. That was the only purpose of me sending that e-mail.

This message is sent with intention. As much as I would love to rip you apart and try with all my might to make you feel guilty about what you did to me, that's not going to help me let go. That's not going to help me move on. If I anchor hate for you in me, you'll always be there, and ten months after the fact, I'm ready to move on. I'm ready for you not to be there anymore. While you might not need this message, I need to send it. I need to know that I have acknowledged forgiving you and moving on. Please excuse the selfish act. Feel free to not respond, make fun of on social media, take seriously, or whatever works for you. This just works for me.

I suppose I knew when we started the relationship that you were capable of cheating on me. You almost cheated on M with me--you had said you wanted to--and because of that I should not have been surprised that you were also capable of cheating on me. The only reason you didn't cheat on her is because I didn't let you. I didn't let you have me until we were both out of relationships. I should have known that most people don't follow such rules or wait for such formalities...I should have known better. I suppose I thought I was different, especially since the first time we dated we broke up because you had said you wanted to cheat on me, yet you didn't. Sure you could cheat on someone else because they weren't who you were supposed to end up with; I thought I was. So therefore if you finally got back with me, you wouldn't feel the need to cheat. It's naive to think that, though I suppose I've really always been a naive girl. Life goes on, and hopefully I will as well.

I forgive you for betraying my trust and breaking our relationship. I don't believe you did it to hurt me. I don't blame you for justifying it in your head. I'm sure it was easy to get caught up in the moment. I don't blame the girl for going through with it, knowing you were in a relationship. I'm sure she just liked you enough to hope it was a risk worth taking. I forgive you for lying to me. I'm sure you were trying to protect me somehow. I forgive you for everything I know you did, and for anything I never found out. I don't want to know if there was more I never found out, but whether there was or wasn't, I forgive you of those thoughts and actions. 

As much as I would love to dramatically say "and this is the last you'll hear from me" I don't want to be so absolute. Besides the fact that I saw your mother less than a month after we had broken up, I've always had a penchant for contacting you for one reason or another. I won't deny that old habits die hard. However, this is my act to let go, start to pick up the pieces, and move on. I hope you are doing (or have done) the same. I'm no longer trying to shut you completely out, or pretend you never existed, or hope malice comes your way. I simply want to move on, and I hope this helps me do so.

I apologize that this couldn't have been a passive act; it's hard for me to know that you'll read this and have the ability to reply. I hope life is not terrible for you, and if our paths cross again that it won't be the end of either our worlds.