There's a feeling that I've had for almost a month now. It's hard to blurt out because it's a reciprocal action. Or at least it's best when it's a reciprocal action.
It's hard to describe. You hear it in songs and see it in movies and read it in books. Centuries of artists have spent their entire lives trying to depict it in one way or another. All of this makes it seem almost cliché, even though it's a feeling we all know exists even if we never feel it.
How sad would it be if no one truly ever felt it. You get it from your parents, family, friends, and significant others. What if you were in a situation where we never felt that? Or what if you couldn't perceive it? I see people everyday in a depressive state...what if it completely inhibits you from feeling what others are emoting to you?
It feels so weird trying to describe it, especially because I don't know how to without using the words that countless others have used before.
I've been in relationships where I've "been in love" but it never hit me like this. Like, this isn't just me wanting to tell him because he told me or because we're in a relationship or whatever. He was making me laugh and I looked into his eyes and BAM I can't breathe because all I want to do is clear out a path for the rest of my life because I love him. It's the strange urge to laugh and cry at the same time...or be tickled for the rest of your life even though it's near torturous. It's more than just being vulnerable. I've never actually wanted to be this vulnerable before. Even when I think back to "first love" or "longest love" or even "lost love" ...it was never this impacting, scary, or...crazy! Like on one hand it's a flame that I can feel consume me from my toes to my head...and on the other it feels like it barely impacts my everyday life until I think about him or hear from him and BAM once again it consumes me.
I think that's the best way to describe it. I feel completely consumed by love. And it's not even the grandiose things that keep it alive. In fact, more often than not it's the smaller things. Like...when we were talking about Valentine's Day and he thinks it's a commercial holiday and I love every bit of it...he was going through a lot but still texted me just after midnight, wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. There's something about the gesture...I wasn't expecting to hear from him and he had a totally legitimate reason to not say anything...but he did :)
There's also a social cue in English where when we are talking about our parents we say "my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, etc". The possessive pronoun "my" is present. Once you drop the pronoun, it's all of a sudden more...intimate. There truly is a connotation different between "Hey I can't talk my mom is in the hospital and I have to get my sister" versus "Hey, mom is in the hospital and I have to pick up Rachel." The familiarity that is there is so so subtle...but I love it.
It's a love that makes me want to go back in time and find myself and tell me that what I felt with others isn't as good as it gets. There's more love, better love, and when you feel it...it's the best thing ever.
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