Which is ironic because when I was subbing today I showed my students the Sound of Music...
Today I'm going to talk about ME. I feel like I give myself to my friends and especially to my family. I feel like I've been able to be there for every family member in the capacity they've needed me, which makes me feel like I'm doing my role as a member of this family extremely well.
Except I can't do it anymore.
Not now at least. Because one thing that I've realized today is that I love each family member the same amount. I might have different kinds of love for them but the amount of love I have in my heart for each member is the same. I do not have a favorite family member nor do I have a least favorite. I always said that if my parents got divorced I'd try and live with grandparents or a friend because I didn't want to have to chose between the two because to me that was just choosing my favorite parent and I didn't have one. I still don't. Just like I don't have a favorite sibling and just like I don't favor my sibling over my parent or vice versa.
Now this is hard to imagine because siblings always seem to stick together when it comes to situations where a parent is mad at a sibling. This brings me back to a different kind of love. I love my mother in a different yet equal way that I love my sister.
I suppose I'm lucky that I'm able to experience being close with a mother, a father, a sister, and a brother all equally. Instead of having a mother, step-mother, and father along with two sisters and three brothers. That's where I feel it would get more tricky because there's different exposure which would create different relationships and could possibly affect the love given or received. But since I only have one of each, I still hold true that I am able to love each member equally.
I feel I'm able to see objectively in this family. I am the middle child who has constantly been an ear to every member of my family. I most always listen to what everyone has to say no matter what or who it's about. I've been able to remain--for the most part--objective and neutral, being the perfect recipient of all this venting.
Except I can't do it anymore.
Seeing how much I'm trying to be there for all of my family members has shown me the wear and tear it's been putting on ME. I hear a family member say something rude and uncalled for about another family member and I feel frozen because if I don't say anything it looks like I'm agreeing but if I say something that ruins the point of venting. Challenging someone's opinion when they're in one of the highest states of individuality and righteousness is dangerous territory that I try not to tread. But hearing the things I've heard about each and every one of my family members by different family members is terrible. It's not healthy to say those things in jest or seriousness. I certainly hope that they are said for the pure purpose of venting, not out of true conviction that those things are believed to be true.
I had a stressful day with work and dealing with family matters. Things were said about every family member and I felt each time something was said it wore down on me more and more. All I wanted to do was talk back and prove that family member wrong--but I've sat through this enough times that it wouldn't get anywhere...so I never said anything throughout the day.
Well about a half hour ago something extremely uncalled for between two family members occurred and once again I had both talking to me poorly about the other. Feeling like shit, I go to one and say I don't want to hear these things about the other. I was not heard at all. I was told that what was said to me was fact, and if it's fact then it can always be told to me, whether I want to hear it or not.
That pissed me off. There's really no other way to put it. Because it's not fact--it's 100% subjective opinion. There are many different ways that I could prove it to be false, but again I didn't for fear of starting something I knew wouldn't end. I excused myself and proceeded to cry. That's when I realized the whole tole that has been put on me. Because I know what's coming. I feel like things will be said that can never be taken back and I feel that history could be repeating itself.
But I also feel that it is not my place to be a mediator, a side-taker, or most importantly, an ear. I no longer want to hear what any family member has to say about another unless it is POSITIVE. Negativity gets everyone NOWHERE, so I am not going to be a part of it. If a family member starts to say something I will either say absolutely nothing or say for them to not continue talking (depends on the situation and how gutsy I'm feeling against certain family members).
I refuse to take sides. I refuse to say any of my opinions about the matter. This is between them and them alone. I am Switzerland.
I am Switzerland.
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