Apparently I'm Good At Confusing Myself

I grew up in a household where I was conditioned to think I was different and the same at the same time. I was different because my parents had high expectations for me, but I was the same in that I had nothing extra or wrong with me. Above average, but normal, so to speak. Because of that, I am unable to confront my biggest fear to date:

I think I might have an anxiety disorder.

Why can't I confront this? Because it's one of those things that I don't feel I should be able to recognize or admit. If I had an anxiety disorder, would I truly know that I did? Would I suspect it? Wouldn't being aware of it help it go away?

Doing research online doesn't help because I can't tell if I'm molding myself into the description they give. Or identify with parts and wonder if that's enough. Of course the thought of telling my mother...I can tell you it won't go anywhere because of how I was raised. If I think I have an anxiety disorder it's to get attention or make myself seem different or God knows what.

It doesn't help that I've suspected this for almost five years now. That I've had attacks out of no where for small, meaningless, and inexplicable reasons. That I've taken medication for the soul purpose of getting these feelings out of my head and questioning everything when it works...

There's still part of me that says it's in my head. It's psychosomatic. I think I just want to see someone so I can know one way or another. Yes you do or no you don't. At least then I'd have an answer, right?

But what if I'm scared to know what the answer would be?

Some days are really really good. I feel like my life is perfect. I feel like everything is going the way it should be. Some days are terrible. I feel more aware of silence and solitude that it freaks me out. I want to cry for no reason and have someone notice. I don't know or think that any of this is linked to a specific event, especially since I think it's been going on for half a decade...but I still wish I knew if I had a trigger...

I feel like I'm fucked up. I feel like I need to get over myself. I feel like I need help.

A wonderful combination indeed.