I do have my reasons for not wanting to go to France besides not wanting to teach French. They may not be the most legitimate of reasons, but they have enough emotion behind them to create this roadblock to make me want to find other ways to finish this major without going to France.
At the start of the semester, my mother asked "How many 21 year olds can say they've been to Europe...TWICE?!?" Well that is true, I would be part of the minority that had studied abroad not once, but twice before graduating college. An opportunity of a lifetime that I got TWICE in my lifetime...why would I pass that up?
Well, along with not feeling the language anymore, I'm not feeling my language education classes anymore, either. I remember when I was a freshman in college and had a French class and an education class that I both loved. They completed rooted my want to be where I was. But now, there are no more French classes I can take here and my foreign language education class leaves me feeling more and more out of place every week. I'm always the first to leave the classroom. I'm the only French Ed student there. I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but I honestly feel like a loner in that class. I feel like I don't have anyone to relate to when it comes to group work planning activities for our future classrooms. I don't feel like I can relate to any of it anymore.
This feeling translates to my fear of studying abroad for a semester. I feel like I'll be the loner again. I feel like the students I go on the trip with will have a much more sophisticated vocabulary than me and--
...gosh I'm actually tearing up right now. I'm at work, it's 5:00 am, and I'm on the verge of tears because I'm afraid I won't fit in France and be stranded there for a semester.
Anyway, I feel like this year without the language will just put me extremely behind. If I go to France I'd have to take a placement test and I don't feel like I'll do that well and won't be able to take the classes I need to because I can't get a high enough score BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT!
I'm just so absolutely pissed at Ball State. I don't care how pathetic it sounds I feel like they FAILED me. I feel like it's 100% INEXCUSABLE for them to have majors that require classes and then not offer those classes. Electives, I can understand. BUT MAJOR REQUIRED CLASSES NEED TO BE OFFERED. I don't care if I'm one of three students, I don't care if this class is conducted in a professors office during an office hour, it still has to be offered. There's just no excuse for it.
I tested into the 300 level my freshman year of college. Their catalogs say that there are 15 300 and 400-level courses that this school offers. I have only taken 6. Yet, somehow in some mysterious way, the other 9 COURSES ARE NOT OFFERED IN THE NEXT THREE SEMESTERS. My major requires me to take 10 300/400-level courses, 6 specific and 4 electives in the 300/400-level. Of the 6 that I've taken, only 4 are specific and 2 are electives. That means that there are two specific courses required for my major that are not offered in the next three semesters. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???
So because I tested high my freshman year, I can't take French classes my junior year and thus can't do well on a placement test to study abroad. Why am I being punished for doing well my freshman year?
No one was willing to help, either. I asked if I could TA or audit for a lower-level class that way at least I'm still around the language (because remember, I don't have anyone in my education classes to help me)--I asked all of the French professors that knew me, and you know the response I got? I wasn't ALLOWED. Because TAing is for GRADUATE STUDENTS ONLY. I wasn't asking to take away someone's graduate-ship. I wasn't trying to make it look like I was at a graduate level. I just wanted to be surrounded by the language so I wouldn't lose it, AND THEY SAID NO.
This is why I'm boycotting studying abroad. It's the principle of the matter: I shouldn't be forced into it. It is the job of the university to sell the product of success. How can I succeed if I haven't been giving the opportunity to? If I were a pre-med student taking a year off from all studies medical/science related and expecting to take the MCAT after that year, NO ONE would expect me to pass and go on. WHY DO THEY EXPECT ME TO PASS AND GO ON AFTER A YEAR OF NO FRENCH? They're setting me up to fail, and I refuse to let them.
My apologies for the rant, my disdain for this university led me to get off topic a bit. There is another big reason for me not wanting to study abroad for a semester. My advisor and professor say the best time to study abroad is when you're young and single. Well...I'm not. Single, that is. Although it may be small of me, Zack has a big impact on me not wanting to go to France.
I know it sounds crazy to choose a guy over going to Europe. You know, if he's really you're true love then he'll be there when you get back and stuff like that. But that's just it: I know that Zack would be there waiting for me when I came back--I have absolute faith with no doubts about that. I just don't want to leave him. Just like I don't want to leave my family or close friends, he has become a very big part of my life. This isn't just some guy I dated in college...I'm seriously believing that this is *the* guy. When I'm homesick, I don't just miss my home and my family, I miss him. He has encouraged me to follow my heart and dreams, and has told me that I should go to France.
But I can't bring myself to want to go. And with all the fuss of my major, I can't help but wonder if it's all a sign that maybe going to Europe is just a once in a lifetime thing for me.
Now, don't say I'm giving up my dreams for a guy and I'll regret it later down the road, because let's remember who we're talking about. I had a dream to go to France--and I did it. I've already been. And yes, even though there are new experiences and things I haven't seen, it's not on my wish list to absolutely have to do again. It just isn't. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to spend my day being a good wife and mother. When I teach, I want to teach the English language, because it's something I enjoy that I DON'T have traumatic memories of learning. I never cried because of an English class, and I have wasted WAAAAYYYY too many tears on these French classes.
So there, my mind has been made and my story has been told. I've sent e-mails to both the Education Department and the French Department to Indiana University Bloomington in hopes to graduate from a university who will provide me with the tools to succeed instead of forcing me to go elsewhere for those tools. Ball State, you did this to yourself. And French, I dare you to try and prove me wrong.
I'm done.
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