Dearest,
It's hard to accept that I was beat to the punch. Near the end that's exactly how I felt though I'd never admit it. You were the one that took control and made things ultimately for the better, not me. It's easy to be resentful because of it, but almost two years later I'm thinking maybe it was the best thing for us.
See, we never had closure. I'm wondering what closure was needed, as it seemed you and I would never again see eye to eye. It felt like we were blaming each other for our own mistakes rather than taking responsibility and making corrections as needed. Seeing that door ultimately close, both physically and virtually, made connections possible...but we both knew I would never take the hit of my pride to reach out to you.
That's how it had always been. I'd hurt you, I'd hurt myself by hurting you, yet I'd still expect you to reach out to me and get the ball rolling. For a long time we were always able to rely on that because it was a system that worked well enough for both of us...even though it wasn't fair. You just happened to be a good enough person to be a friend before being right. I should have learned that...maybe I did it just took me a while.
The saying goes "bros before hos; sisters before misters"...and on paper it's obvious that's where our downfall was. In an ideal world we'd each coexist in our social group and in our intimate group harmoniously. Well on both sides that never worked for either of us. There are a thousand "what if" scenarios that maybe just maybe we could have fixed any damage that had been done...but if that happened, would I be here now, coming to the revelation I have?
...now of course that I've stated it, it's supposed to now be this grandiose thing, which it's not. We've not spoken in almost two years, what's to say that should even change, let alone can even change? Is it sad that there are times I do or see something and you're the first person I want to tell? Or that there are quirks that we honed in on and made our own that still rest with me today (What's this? I don't know, but here goes another one...). I suppose in the past couple of months I've noticed a decline in spite within myself. It sucks to admit that there was spite in the first place, but like I said earlier you beat me to the punch...almost like you beat me at my own game. But more and more that's not what I think of when I think of you. More happy reminiscing...more laughing at the good times rather than holding onto the bad.
I have no idea what you're doing with your life right now. I don't know what track you're on, career, education, or otherwise. I don't know what your status is, what your current goals are, or even what color your hair currently is. I could probably navigate my way through social networking sites to find answers to these but I don't think I would be satisfied with the knowledge. I'm fairly certain I want my best friend back rather than just knowing about her.
boo hoo, Emma wants her best friend back, the one she pushed away and didn't attempt to contact for two years, big whoop. Karma's a bitch, am I right? It's possible that this will do nothing but create a funny story for those around you. It's possible this will go unread and unheard. It's possible that this will bring back two years of resentment and give me the worst kind of closure. Or maybe it's possible that this could open a door a crack and let there be a possibility for communication. Part of me wishes that I wasn't writing this right now because I haven't developed my thoughts to create a well-rounded letter...I'm pretty sure this looks like it was typed by a 5th grader. But at the same time it's so easy for me to over-think my feelings that maybe this is the only way I can get true feelings across, butchered syntax and all?
I don't want fake happiness, fake welcome, or fake tan (lol). No cuts, no buts, no coconuts. Straight A's, World Peace, and Brad Pitt (lightly buttered). I'd love some inspiration to write an actual blog post that reaches the eyes of millions...oh wait that's not what this is about...oops.
I want...your attention. Please yell if you're paying attention.
Please yell...
Please yell...
Please yell...
I truly hope you're doing well with whatever you're doing. I hope you're happy. I hope you're surrounded by those you love and those who love you in return. I hope you've found the spiritual relationship that works best for you and I hope you're still as funny, quirky, charismatic, impulsive, loving, and strong as my memories of you.
Until next time,
~Me
hey :)
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