True Love

I go back and forth with this subject. Every fiber of my being believes that there is one exact match for us, and somehow, we are able to find that perfect match. Fate brings us together somehow in some cupid-esque way and then poof there's no looking back!

But...how possible is that? With as large as our world is as well as the conventions that society uses to rule our choices, can we actually find our true perfect match? I look at couples who have been together for 30 years and act like 16 year olds still and I wonder: What if they didn't go to the same university, or live in the same town, or have the same job? What if he decided to get a job 500 miles away before they met? Would they still meet at some point? Or would they find less suitable but still satisfying relationships with others? Or would they find better matches as if that were possible?

Yes I understand that if I could dissect and understand every discrete detail of falling in love then it wouldn't be the big deal it is. It would be just as meaningless as what we decide to wear for the day or what we decided to eat that day. And I know I don't want to get to that point, and I know I'm over analytical because I'm depressed from my recent break-up...

Which is actually where all of this is stemming from. I wish I could explain to everyone what I'm going through. I know my relationship wasn't perfect. I know that breaking up was the right decision. But I also know that I wouldn't be depressed and I wouldn't be making a constant fool of myself if we hadn't broken up. I constantly feel like I'm being broken to pieces. I find myself holding myself in hopes to keep me together. I'm not a suicidal person and I've never been into self-inflicted harm but I'd be lying if I said the thought of creating some sort of physical pain to distract me from the emotional pain hadn't crossed my mind...

I constantly feel like I can't talk about this because we broke up a month ago and when I told everyone we broke up I had it together. Not to mention that I feel like everyone's pain is 1000X more important than mine. I feel better helping others feel better, not waiting for someone to return the favor. But I keep having these random outbursts of crying lags and the mood that is impossible to remove...I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to move on but part of me knows that being with someone else would not mend the pain, just erase it for a moment or two...only to come back full force once I'm alone again.

And that's the other thing: Being alone right now is a nightmare. I'm doing what I can to stay busy and keep my mind off things, but at the end of the day I have to lay down in the dark and try and sleep. And that's when it hurts the most. I can't sleep through the night. I...I've never felt like this before. About anything. About anyone. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

If I am like this over someone who I can rationalize as not my perfect match true love, how in the world would I react over someone who breaks my heart without a justifiable reason, or someone who is closer to my perfect match?

For someone who has wanted nothing more than to fall in love, get married, and start a family, I'm sure doubting the sanctity of dating right now. Here's hoping it passes.

I miss you.