I apologize

So. I have to apologize to someone. Or about someone...no, to someone, but not to their face. I have no idea if this person reads my blog so I can't say if he'll get my apology or not.

The first two weeks I decided to run for NRHH president, I could not tell in my head or in my heart if it was something I truly wanted, or if it was something that I just wanted to beat this friend at. When I had decided to run, I put the stipulation that I would only run if I got an RA position.

Well, I didn't get an RA position, but that day I still wanted to run. I took that as a sign that I truly wanted this position, and I wasn't running for selfish reasons.

So, I ran, and I did not obtain the position against my friend--he did. And when I found out...nothing. No sadness, no anger, no spite...NOTHING! Am I really that selfless that I know he was the better of us two to be in the position?

Nope.

Reflecting, I see that I truly wanted this position just to go up against my friend. The fact that I still wanted the position on the day I found out I wouldn't be an RA doesn't mean I really wanted the position. It means that when I found out that HE got an RA position and was still running, my competitiveness kicked in and I wanted to beat him at *something*, since he beat me at that.

Sucks, right? I'm sorry, Friend, that I used you like that. Looks like I'm still the manipulative bitch I was trying to run away from.